ねえ。。
We understood each other, right? In those years, we really held onto each other's hands tight and never wanting to let go. We were in our own dimension, and the stars seemed brighter. The colors were much more vibrant, and the world was eternally at peace.
I did not wish for this to happen, but in the end...
I am a lost marionette, a master-less puppet, awaiting for a miracle to happen, to be let known that it was all a cruel joke played upon us by the world.
I tried to seize any chance to return, but you had closed the door to your heart indefinitely. Subtly knocking to see if there are any gaps creaking, however I only see a vast emptiness when I peer through the keyhole.
My own selfishness had caused everything. So please do not apologize anymore, because if there are any apologizing to be made...
It would be from me.
You who had turned your back to me, I do not know how to heal the wound I had caused to you. You had shut yourself from me, and no matter what I do, it seems to agonize you even further. I wanted to back away, to let you go...
But my heart still bears a little bit of yours.
I wanted to be let back into your garden, to nurture back the wilted flowers that had long been abandoned. However, the gates slammed shut and even if I tried to pry it open...
I fear the worst, that you will be gone forever. Not being able to be reached anymore.
The nightmare I had a long time ago. The glass room. And you outside, staring through me with your transparent eyes without emotion.
For the past years, it seemed like our roles had switched. I was outside staring, and you were suffering inside.
I am sorry.
Even though you said I am not to be hated, and not being able to stay angry at me...
My world ends when you said it's over.
At nights, I cannot do anything but struggle from the phantom pain in my chest. Is my heart still there? I do not know. It feels like there's a deep gaping hole in there but when I reach up to cover it, I touch nothing but flesh. No holes.
I am so sorry.
I had been reading my past journals. It feels like it was written by someone else. The past me had been very honest with his feelings and was able to communicate easily compared to the current one. It pains me when I see your name scribbled inside, and the memorable texts we had exchanged over the years.
I am truly sorry.
I saw the gifts, and can't help myself. My world revolved around you, and now that you are gone...
What am I suppose to do now?
I was too preoccupied chasing the far future. So much that I forget to see the present, where you were waiting with open arms.
We cannot drew up a building layout and expect it to be done just like that. We would need to build a foundation strong enough to support it.
And that was my fatal mistake.
I am sorry that I made you feel unwanted. It was not your fault.
I am sorry for not being there for you when you wanted me the most. It was not your fault.
I am sorry for not giving you enough love to fill your heart with. It was not your fault.
For any outbursts I had committed to you during the transitional period, I apologize. I know you are hurting but still, you tend to me whenever you can.
It is too late for me, and I cannot risk to re-open your wound. The one I had given to you. And you had made this a point.
The old journals, I want to burn them. I wish to re-enter the world anew, and to be cleansed of my past.
The only thing we can change about the past is how we feel about them at present.
Keep moving on, yes. Tomorrow is still a brighter day.
And I hope for the best.
