Failing to fall asleep. Now my own thoughts threaten to drown me.

It is the exam month, and I am still lacking motivation to study. This is akin to digging my own grave. I still am left behind and haven't picked myself up, it seems.

Again and again, the noose swings closer in my dreams. Is it offering salvation, or merely there to mock the living?

If only you knew.

Yeah, if only you knew.

But it is all in the past now.

I can't spend any more time looking back and reminisce.

With every second passed, I am growing older. I feel that I lost my innocence far too early. I want to revert back to the time where not knowing everything didn't worry me at all.

I am not ready for this stage yet, where adults lie in hiding and baring their fangs. It is a world where everyone races forward and trampling over the bodies of the failures.

Went to a place close where she used to study, and unexpectedly caught a glimpse of her. Didn't know that she would be there as well. All colors drained from my face when I noticed.

It is such a small country.

ロドスタ

The last hour before the waking up, I dreamt of something so realistic.

The two people that once promised to never forget one another, met in a crossroad and pretended to not know each other.

It is sad and vexing, but that is what the future holds. We mustn't have any regrets now.

灰色の雲

I wasn't able to sleep last night.

It seems like I really need to recover some of the habits that I developed during my high school days. I used to really like mornings, and especially loved watching the sunrise before studying. I would be in school around 6 a.m. or so, and had a few hours for myself before other students come. I was really attached to a certain spot at school, a place where people rarely go to on the early hours, and from there I had a very good vantage point. I would spend some time sky-watching and listening to music, and I would forget about a lot of things that troubled me.

Today, there is no spectacular sunrise. It is cloudy this morning, and the wind is cool. I like this weather, though. Like most people in this tropical country, I tend to prefer rainy days over bright, cheerful mornings. It is as if we are sick of the sunlight, wishing that for one whole day it would just be dawn.

I feel really sleepy, but I cannot go to bed now. I have to fix my sleep cycle, and lately it is very messed up. A few days ago, I slept for a total of 13 hours for no real reason. And that was before I was sick.

There is another matter at hand, however. In being alone for quite some time, living without a safety net after a few months, I realise that I actually don't need it to survive. I can make my life work even without a fall-back plan, and I do not need to confide to one person only. Different people offer different advice, and their perspective differ so much that at times it seem like they are talking about another topic.

Then there's a matter of people whom I confided in and suddenly is gone, as if I revealed too much of myself and now they are afraid of me. I mustn't open up too much in a short period of time, and so are other people.

I can do well by myself, and just a few months ago I felt that I would not survive in being alone in this world. I was wrong, then.

We can live by ourselves, but to live better, we need others as well.

So, here ends the rambling of a person so sleepy that he is seeing doubles. Maybe I can catch a quick nap or something.

明鏡止水

My dreams are much more vivid when I am sick.

Last night, I dreamed of the king once again. I was not in control of the dream, so I watched as he dined in the extravagant hall. He was all alone, however. I couldn't remember his facial expression, but I could feel loneliness emanating from his entire self.

What happened to the once proud castle? What is a king without the citizens? What use is being wealthy when you are all alone in the world?

The weight that he shouldered must have been tremendous. I knew right away that he did something wrong. Something that had wiped away all his people. The motivation unknown, but I would be away to concoct something out.

I am focusing more on the dream world than reality right now, because I am spending a lot of time recuperating in bed. Reality is just beyond the door of my bedroom, and I refuse to go out for now. Once in a while, I would receive a few text messages from my friends. Those are the only indication that I am not completely cut out from this world.

The place where I live right now, is a place that is disconnected from the outside world. We, the residents, are quite fine spending time by ourselves. This place is a world on its own, and can exist independently without relying on the outside world.

I seek for a place to call home a few years ago, and I thought I had found it somewhere where the forests are lush and is close to the sea. A perfect amalgamation of the sky, the sea and the earth. How wrong could I be?

I still long for the sea. Even when I am in my withdrawn state, I still enjoy being outside with the people who know when to speak or not to. I know that I am not one of a kind, and I probably don't deserve any special treatment, but once in a while, I just need to take a break from communicating with other people. I don't hate people, but I do cherish the silent moments spend with the people that I care about. Some may feel uneasy with it, labeling those as awkward moments.

I know that I am sensitive to other people. I feel like others are perpetually emitting waves that carry their emotion, and I am a recipient that absorbs all these waves. My own waves would adjust, and I find myself feeling the same emotion eventually.

All these absorbing and adjusting are the things that make me tired. I don't dislike them, though. In fact, I really like it when people come to me to talk about their feelings, mostly. Even more so if it is of different topic from their previous one. It makes me feel needed, and is one of the very few moments that my sensitivity is appreciated.

Some people tend to abuse this, though. They manipulate their own emotion to confuse me, and lead me someplace where I don't belong. A place where many people are. Being in a close proximity with that much people tire me down even faster.

This is not supposed to be a long post, since I need to rest soon, but it ended this way.

I am moving on. Thank you, and goodbye. I am trying not to think of you anymore, but in this small country, we are bound to meet mutual friends and family members that know us both.

I am still hurting, however, but nothing I can't mend on my own.

リヴィングデッド

"I am satisfied with myself now, therefore I kill myself to become a living dead."

It was said over and over again inside the dream where I was half-asleep.

My dreams are quite morbid nowadays. Last night, I dreamed of a world so perpetually dark that the sun's ray is considered a bad omen for the world's residents.

"My feelings that do not reach you, I offer them as atonement for my sins. Let them be forgotten by others and may I ache forever in their absence."

The guilt is still there, embedded deeply inside my subconsciousness. It is easy to smile and forget them now and then, but late at night where I do not have to pretend anymore, they come crashing down, that feeling that I keep at bay.

"O pale stars, malevolent light of the night, a dagger has pierced my chest. Draw my life from the wound and infuse me with thy tainted blessing."

My future has not been decided. It is not set in stone. I can still influence where I will go.

"I will walk this earth eternal, and become a warning for those who abandon their compassion."

I fell asleep in the dream, and I woke up in the real world. It was dark outside, and I heard a peculiar sound of metallic chains dragged on the stone pavement.

"I shall be thy hand that strikes down those who forgot their beginning."

Recalling what I dreamed, and dissociating those that pained me, I wrote them down so as not to forget.

"For I was a king of my own realm, and my every being is stained with the blood of the innocent."

My chest hurts, the silence hurts, but that is what I have come to accept.

"Make my footsteps tremble the soil, and my breath threatens to shatter the very air. Make my voice loud and booming, so as to scare those who wish to stray from their true way."

We are born with boundaries around us, and to break the boundaries of others is what we are created to do.

"O maiden, I have betrayed you. This is what I have sentenced myself into, and I pray you are watching."

Become too attached to our own boundary and we risk of loneliness.

"For I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."

We are, by nature, a savage beast. We are given mind and able body, yet we thirst for something so basic. The primal urge to spread our existence.

"Worlds that have lost their way, and residents hedonists."

We need others, and from there we derive our own sustenance. We are alive to create a new life, and we find the reason to face tomorrow.

"Tell me, have my deeds repay your kindness?"

I know this, and I accept this. I cannot fight what has been set into my head from a long time ago.

誰を思っているの？

A combination of old and present memories. They bring forth a new existence that I can never fathom to begin with.

In the process of witnessing this union, an unknown being is given form and soul. A beating heart is placed inside its chest cavity and it starts to beat regularly.

Where was I last night? The scenery viewed from the ethereal eyes of the form I took in the dream was familiar but I couldn't recall where I had seen it. Was it a cloister from a place I wanted to visit one day, or was it something I created in a whim on seeing the variety of people gathering around the garden?

I don't know.

I was clutching a letter sent from an anonymous someone, a person that I used to know, when I heard sounds echoing in the room where I had stayed for hours. I didn't need to read the letter, as I knew by then that opening its envelop would lead me to another dream that I don't wish to be in.

Upon going outside, I saw many faces from the past; friends I used to be close to, strangers whose physical features attract me so much, people whom I consider as role models, and present friends that I see everyday. There was a lot of people gathering in that small space, but it didn't seem crowded at all. There was still enough room for new people, and I would welcome them with open hands. All those people conversed together, as if they had been friends with each other for a long time. They laughed at the same jokes, and understood each other even though there was surely a language barrier in between them.

Seeing this, I felt like I have accomplished something in this world.

Although, I did noticed that somehow, she sneaked in within the crowd as well. She was reading a letter silently and sharing it with her close friend. I saw them, but I didn't say anything.

I am moving forward, and I won't let ghosts of the past to haunt me forever.

雨は覚えた

One week passed again. So much has happened, and I cannot keep track of all the events that involved me these past seven days.

I have been kept busy, and being constantly working gave me less time to remember the past. While  this in itself is good, I still don't feel comfortable with it. It feels like I am being inside someone else's body and watching how that body move about.

There's no progress and regress in my life currently. Everything is at a constant, but I know that it is just temporary. I have a feeling that soon I will be dragged forward in a speed that I cannot begin to imagine.

I have been thinking of my old story lately. I need to finish it before it is too late. I really miss writing, and this space has been aching for some fiction.

It is a Sunday, so I'll postpone everything. It is cloudy outside, and there's the smell of the damp earth wafting up to my window. I really like this setting.

I feel tired, and sleepy. It's time to wrap all up.