I was surrounded with problems lately.

Surrounded so deep until I am unable to sort everything up, and ended as only a pile of unrecognised junks to be done with.

Therefore it is only normal that I stressed out, right?

That is why, a while ago I went to some trusted friends that were available.

I let out everything from my mind, my subconscious. My everything.

They listened, they concentrated, they focused on me when I spoke.

They advised me, they guided me, they told me what should I consider to do.

"You can be a pretty good actor, but once you slip no matter how small the mistake is it is so damn obvious."

"Calm down, slow down. I think you need to breathe deeply. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Now, where were we?"

"Never run away. I know, sometimes we wish that someone will come and solve the problems for us and we won't have to worry about them anymore. But remember, others have their own sets of problem too."

"Well if it was me, I will take my time to think deeply. Consider how will your action affect the people around you. Ask them what they would think if you do such and such, and also observe them. Learn how they solve their problms. Ask them their ways to cope with stress. The trick is to open up for everyone. Absorb whatever knowledge they have to offer. Of course remember to repay them some other day."

"You need a good night sleep."

"You're sick. GO SLEEP ALREADY!!"

I appreciate the efforts they made to make me feel better.

They said I am quite calm and a bit laid-back but under pressure I will crack.

They said I am pretty self-conscious. That I am pretty uptight. That I can be very very annoying to deal with.

No fear though. I took all the compliments in a good heart (^_^)V

So enough about all these depressing stuffs!

I made a promise to myself, I will listen to jealkb's first album ROSES this afternoon ＼（'。`）

Sing for me, Haderu-tachi!

[EN~BI]

I don't have someone who voices his/her concerns about me ＼（`，'）

So I am a bit envious when my friends were asked, "Are you okay?" （＞＿＜）

I am ashamed to admit that I had neglected my duty as a friend for quite some time.

In fact, a few days ago I lose my calm and kinda entered a semi-hysteric mode.

To those who witnessed that, I am deeply sorry ( / _ ; )/

At that moment I was surrounded with piles of work that need to be done quickly. Combined with lack of sleep, fatigue accumulated and stress..

I promise I won't do it again m(_ _)m

To those who read this please relay my apology to the others.

Also to be noted, please do not add my Facebook acount m(_ _)m

I don't want our 'super-seniors' to find me f(^_^')

We'll just communicate with text messages and online chatting.

Fatal Idolisation 「砂月」

I admit, I do have an idol that can lead me to a very wicked path.

But, why bother? As long as I can refrain myself and grasp at the beauty instead of the negative part.

I am not saying that he himself are wicked. It is just that my feelings toward him that are.

He lead me into this beautiful world, taught me the decadence of the world in the most aesthetic way.

He smiles while he majestically lead his fans slowly to their most cherished fantasies. He is aware that by his mere presence he can make hearts skip a few beats.

He sways among the winds, surrounded by holiness under a moonlit night.

He recites a requiem with a lovely whisper, as if he want the poor souls to leave with his voice ringing within them.

He will continue to illuminate others with his songs that radiate such heartache when listened to.





I will keep an eye for his evolution.

TAOZI「RE-BIRTH」

My previous canary has lost its place in me.

I had to bid it farewell as now it is able to fly.

Right after I let it go, I found another one.

Another little canary, waiting to be nurtured and being fed.

I cannot believe I did not realise her, so close yet escaped my vision.

A pair of wings, not yet sprouting another two, is still pure, untainted.

But I cannot bring myself to reveal my true affection to her.

I have not assorted my thoughts and decipher what my hearts truly want.

So I am not sure if it is true feelings or just idolisation.

A fatal idolisation. One that will drag even one strong individual to a delirious indignified obsession.

That is why I cannot respond accordingly when she circles me, teasing me, toying with me.

As I am still unsure of myself.

She sings, whistles, just to get my attention yet I do not offer anything in return.

Will I be able to put the pieces of puzzle that littered my inner self together?
Will that show exactly what my hearts really wanted?



As ASAGI-sama has whispered, "God knows".

Black or White

Or maybe a shade of gray, perhaps?

Tomorrow the new me will wake up, and today's body will be left behind.

I have high expectations of him and I hope he will be different from what I am today.

All the shades of colours, like the golden leaves during the autumn, will fall down to cover the blemishes on the barren soil.

He will cleanse the previous body with his own hands.

I think I am getting carried out already.. ( - . - ' )

What I am trying to say is, with every morning we wake up we are shedding away some parts of us.

Why can't we remember everything we did yesterday?

Why can't we remember some promises we have made yesterday?

Why can't we remember the colour of the night sky we adored so much yesterday?

We are slowly breaking apart. Cracking, shatters, leaving behind a new, refined form of us.

We are constantly changing. We learn from mistakes and we prefer new things over older stuffs.

This is what being a human is.

We will appear everyday looking different from how we may look like yesterday.

I wish I can record everything so I won't lose anything.


Beauty is only transient, in a flash it will wilt away.

I won't let a beautiful scenery fade away in memories.

Then I can wake up to tomorrow's light anew.

It's mid April...

And it's very very hot D:

Seriously the heat wave here is quite unbearable. I need to maintain the water in the body (- -')/

It has been a long time since I last posted something like this.
It is because I have nothing to share.

All these previous days felt linear.
All we have to do is wake up and move along with the flow around us.
They will take us where we will expect to have something to do.
They will tell us what we need to know.

So they didn't give many interesting new experiences. They were just normal days.

But it is the normal days that we need to keep us healthy.

Lately it was hectic and tiring.

I really really need a long, nice sleep.

[Murasaki no Bara]

It feels like yesterday when I first saw you.

I saw you, dancing and radiating elegance. Amongst even the purest you still stand out very much. Amongst even the beautiful flowers you still stand out very much.

I knew by then I was attracted to you.

But this is not love. Or rather, not the usual sensual and passionate love.

Because, I never wanted you that way.

This is love in its most refined form. Untainted by the malicious thoughts that are always screaming at us.

Now you have fluttered away from my grasp.

There is a voice inside my heart, that always sing and play my favourite melody whenever I am in dire need of one.

Deep inside I knew, it is you. I have kept your every essence and seal it within me so that I won't miss you so much.

It is painful to think that I will never ever feel the warmth of your hand.

It is painful to think that I will never again hear your beautiful voice.

It is painful to think that I will never again bear witness of your beautiful, elegant smile.

I truly miss you.

I love you deeply.

I want to be there with you.

I hope I can see you when I finally begin my journey to the sky.

I just want to be there with you.

I just want to see you now.

TO LOVE ME AND DESPAIR

I wish all those things we have done together are only dreams.

Because each one of them will end in the lovely aquamarine colour.

I am sorry for not being there, feasting on your glorious smile.
Not being there to touch your beautiful dress.
Not being there to leech on your happiness.
Not being there to breathe with you.
Not being there to graze on your lips.

Because in the time you have received my gift I will be gone.

Gone away from the miserable life the merciless heaven has gifted upon me.

An atonement for a sin I haven't proceed to commit yet.

If you have loved me with all your heart, I apologise for leaving you.

It is not without remorse, however. It breaks mine to break yours, so we share the same heart-ache.

When you receive this I can imagine your frail figure tremble. Your fists will tighten and you will try to swallow the grief completely so no one will learn of your loss.

I say just let it all out, cry if you must. You will only hurt yourself by refraining from it.

I wish you will wear the velvet dress I sent you as a wedding dress. I wish you can find a replacement of me, to fill the huge gap I have left in your heart.

I hope you will wear the pendant I have given you just a few days back. The pendant with the crimson ruby embedded on the intricately ormanented silver, the one I always keep next to my heart before I declare you as its next owner.

Heh.

I can't believe so much time has lapsed after we sealed our promises with a kiss.

So it is my time to go.

I am going back to where I came from.

Goodbye.

SHIZUKA

Coursing through my forsaken veins
Weepingly
And from my eyes flow the dark

Sleepingly
The withered body is dancing
To the uneven melody
A song to the endless night

Tenderly
The enshrouding shadow engulfs me
All is about to being lost
And I am unable to bid them farewell

Wouldn't be any better if I stay, right?
I, who don't have any strength left to keep on living
To be forgotten

Brightly
The rays of hope shine on me
But they only hurt my eyes
They fail to invigorate my broken soul

Laughingly
Lovingly
Leniently
I lay down here, waiting

No matter what I try I never seem to go anywhere
I spend so much time only to return to where it all started
I want to escape the untolerable grip of guilt
But it is too late

The pain coursing through my forsaken veins
They flow from my fingertips
Sealing the end of my breathing