現実世界の管弦楽団

"Don't go before me"
"Stay until the very end"
What a thing to say

In these rusting memories
You who looked at me as if I would disappear
Speaking slowly, softly putting on the facts
Ending it with just words
"The sky, it is enough for the two of us... Right?"
But why are you crying?

A remembrance of back then
A familiar melody, a nostalgic rainfall
One day, without warning
You who looked at me as if I would disappear, whispered
"If we give a fragment of our heart to another,
  will we still be us, or will we become a new person?"

Even the rabbits up there in the sky
Enjoy their never-ending job together
So why are we who are bound to this earth
Have to spend much time wondering and looking
Searching for another person to make us happy

Passing midnight, days uncounted for
Measuring the distance, making small notes
Surely, you would do the same?
Staring at this moldy-looking moon
Living under this sky that can fit us both

"I didn't mean it, you know?"
Uttering those words, gently smiling
You who looked at me
As if you wondered if I would disappear
Seemed so far away

異世界の管弦楽団

"Is there any drug that can stop me from thinking about that?"

"Heal me now and make me be able to go forward"

Inscribed within the diary, the thoughts of the future

Maybe, someday, it can become true after all

There are a few pages that relates to that name

Folding them together, ripping them out carefully

"These few pages will be inside the red box for now"

The sun sets, and the sea glimmers gold

Can it be? By watching the sunset everyday,

Will I be healed and be able to move forward?

Wishing that I can get up and leave just like that

This 'sickness', others said it is just a symptom

A shooting star outside my window

Shall I make a wish right now?

A few seconds late, but it will surely hear me

"Just a little prayer for the future"

"So please carry it all the way while you shine brightly"

Inscribed within the diary, the events of the past

Should I take away the pages that contained that name?

Being a simple person, I wrote that name casually

But with extra care and multiple times

Maybe I can learn something from this

Maybe I can see something after this

And this 'sickness' of mine will fade away

Along with the recollections of those time

Blinking the eyes, sleeping on the same spot as before

If I wake up, maybe I can see you again

Or in my dreams, maybe I can see you again

But I am unsure if it will help me after all

Gathering all the wishes inside the small jar from those years

Unfolding the diary pages inside the red box

Am I still waiting for something?

Am I still standing still after that night?

Maybe I am dreaming right now,

and by now, only a few seconds passed after that call

"Is there any drug that can stop me from thinking about that?"

"Heal me now and make me be able to go forward"

鎖手

"I wish I have no feelings."

Another sigh escapes, more heart-ache inflicted, another reason to punish oneself by depriving the sweetness of sleep.

We are drawn to each other like a moth to the flame. The more we creep closer, the more we get singed. However, we cannot stop. We cannot say 'No more' and find ourselves immediately ceasing all movements. There is a period of confusion, a period of wondering. Interests and self-preservation conflicts, and either way seem to be dreadful to even take a step forward to.

Is this what I desire? Can I handle the responsibility if I accept? This small light glowing anew, can I keep on feeding it so it will burn stronger, or someday I will start to neglect and smother it after? I do not want to be alone, but I will not be able to take care of this light. No, I am sorry.

Is what I want potentially be destructive to others? What about me, will this light kill me in the future? After all those effort invested on making it brighter. I feel that somehow, it will blind me and rob me of all my consciousness.

There's a war in my mind, he said. I know that. I can relate to it, but not completely. After all, it is your war. I am an outsider, and I cannot grasp completely what transpired between you and your life. Even after years of explaining, we will not be able to understand each other completely. Such is life. I can sympathize, but the one that knows most of your pain is only you. Only you can make the change, but we cannot change what is past.

No. No matter how hard you wish for it, the past is past, and will always be the past. Nothing can change that. The only thing you can change is how you feel about it in the present.

I want nothing more but a balance. A delicate scale that is threatening to tip every now and then, and is dangerously close to the edge of a deep ravine. Once it tips to the left, all of its weight will shift and it will end up falling down into the merciless river that sweeps away everything without care. I can go and retrieve the scale after it falls, but I will not be able to climb my way back up. All I can do is to allow the stream to push me to wherever it desires and continue on living on wherever the location it decides to deposit me.

My hands, there's nothing I am holding right now. Underneath this dim light of the bedside lamp, they seem so frail, so insignificant. However, these two hands are very important to me. When I cannot express myself verbally, they will always be reliable to take matters into themselves.

The light is small, and dimming, just like this bedside lamp I have. For that, I apologize.

XXYearsXXDays

It's always like this.

I feel like I need to talk a lot, but as soon as I open my mouth, all those words I have planned to say disappeared.

Wasting my time, sleeping past the alarm clock set to 5, hitting the snooze button more than once.

What am I planning to achieve in this lifetime? Perhaps, just to survive whatever years I have left and sleep the eternal after that. As of now, my dream remains a dream, and it seems like I do not have the drive to move forward.

Talking to others. Let loose all the silly thoughts I have in my head. Exchanging lame remarks with another person just to feel like we are close.

There's still a phrase I cannot forget, no matter what I do.

It's never a goodbye. It's just a 'see you later'.

After all those promises, where did we end up now?

After all those apologies, what did we left each other with?

After all those moments, how did we recall those?

It's just four years wasted on someone who will not return fully your true feelings, as you said. Not a speck of happiness gleaned from chipping away whatever limited time we had to meet up.

Just maybe, you are the light and I am just a shadow of something that is very close to you. As you shine brighter, I become darker.

Never to be cast anymore. A shadow cannot exist without light, and light will always be accompanied by shadow. I am done being the shadow, and you are done being the light. It is time to exist as two separate entities instead of something that occupies the same space in this world.

With this, I can grow stronger, isn't it? Lamenting what has passed is making me regress, and I am definitely not wanting to go back.