Shunkan Romanticism

A fated occurance, where two souls bound by the red thread
Met under the guidance of the scattered sakura petals

Their hands, taught firmly with each other's warmth
Playing the whistling sound of swaying grasses dancing with the wind
The two souls smiled and whispered their eternal exchange of vows
In which their hearts are doomed with love

Their lives had been embroided by the thin red thread
Exchanging kisses when the moon was dirtied with the colour blue
A reason to keep on living was found, eclipsing the desire for the darkness
"I will never let your gentle grip slip away"

The boy wondered how many ways can he prove his pledge
To this beautiful angel crafted in flesh
The girl put her finger on his lips and said sweetly
"Hush my darling, just love me dearly and we will not be separated"

The trail to true happiness is not without stones you might trip on, adviced the elderly woman upon seeing the couple
Seeing the girl contorted her face in worry, the boy let his hand linger on her cheek
As if saying, "love, my love, need not worry because the red thread bonds us eternally"

Alone in Aokigahara, the girl found a deathly black scarf
With the word "hate" inscribed on it all over
Wrapping it around her neck, she was snatched by the dark and not to return again

The boy, desperately running to be in the embrace where he found comfort in
Looking for the hands that always hold his in a passion words won't be able to describe
He saw a pair of white shoes he bought as the gift for their anniversary
Only now, they were tainted in bloody red
Next to an apologising note for unable to keep the promise to stay together

The forest trembled in sorrow as the roar of anguish proceeded to shatter the tranquil of the sky
He took the scarf from the girl's cold body and wound it around his neck
His heart melted and overflowed from his eyes
Chanting "so sorry, eternally together"
He reached for the darkness the girl was drowned in

Karakuri Puppet Dance

The image of the porcelain-faced puppet cannot escape my mind.

The dream itself was not malignant, yet disturbing.

Eternal smile carved onto it, adorned with a bright red kimono and yellow obi, it moved in a way one can easily perceive as mechanical.

Why did you appear in my dream, tiny puppet? What did you try to tell me with the dance?

Until then, I will keep on dreaming.

For Juan Writes Envy

A weird cryptic dream.

I was offered three roses; white rose, black rose and blue. The figure whose face was half obscured by the shadow of his hood, smiled when I picked the blue one.

"For Juan, writes envy," he whispered in a raspy voice. His visible right eye gleamed in a way that I interpret as enthusiasm.

He was then slowly moving to a hung picture not far from where we stood. Touching the two leftover roses to the frames, everything around us disappear with a swirl of violet and the sound of a draining sink.

"For Juan, writes Envy," he smiled. Pointing to a padded cell which appeared out of nowhere, gesturing for me to take a peek inside, he was eager and the smile turned into a grin.

I could hear iron chains crinkling against each other, and I knew the grotesque angel with wings of bloody hue was there. Bind, unable to move, waiting to be released.

"Juan, " the hooded figure hissed.

And I reached out to unlock the door.

The Black Desert that Engulfs Everything

The black desert is, without a doubt, the night sky I frequently look up to.

Note the pun.

The night sky that is able to conceal anything. Never wavering even if calamity befells upon it. An emotionless, cold appearance.

I envy those who live up in the northern hemisphere, whose night sky is clad in the beauty of a thousand stars, adorned with the brooch of the silver moon.

The jet-black wagon of nothingness is about to be chased away with the arrival of Amaterasu.

Why don't you go entertain Tsukuyomi again? Leave us in the gentle embrace of the dark that some find pleasure in.

I have lately becoming a nocturnal being. To rest right before the sun goes up and raise during the moment it passes our heads.

The cycle is disrupted.

Alas, I should be going now. Another black desert beckons me to a loveliest slumber.

Infinite Cloister

A few hours ago, my heart died.

I couldn't believe that I failed, my plan to make me feel nothing when I walked away from them...

...it didn't work.

I was fighting the tears when I shook hands with them, then they pulled me in an embrace and everything crumbled.

The tears welled in my eyes as I saw their faces when each one of them gone home.

And when it was my turn...

It hurt so much.

After the huggings and shaking hands, I turned and started to walk away.

Then they called and smiled softly.

That was when everything fell apart.

I ran away from them in fear I would show tears in front of them.

I ran away because my legs were frozen, as if not wanting me to leave.

It had been a while since I last spent time with them, but they greeted me with the same warmness as the first time I met them.

Even though I avoided them, they still find a friend in me.

I am a fool.

Closure Internal

Seal everything within so they won't leave.

Don't let them escape you.

Even though they are on the brink of breaking, embrace them as tightly as you can.

Don't let them slip away from your grasp and end up being far away from you.

Because if you do, they won't return.

Everything is transient, none is everlasting.

TOGE

Like the ebbing waves, this feeling in my chest subsides and returns once more.

I wonder why is that.

I find myself reading to William Blake's poetry nowadays. They have the quality I want to posses.

Though they can hardly smoother the flames sometimes.

I think, it's best to just stay at a distance and watch. The person whom I avoid, is actually a glass bottle. Once explodes, the shards will wound many people nearby.

Someone who gives out easily to anger... I'm sorry but I'm often disgusted in their acts.

I have been exposed to that situation when I was still a small child. Someone lost his head and began his rampage in front of me.

Idiot. What an idiot.

I can't look at his face without remembering how his eyes were dark, burning with hatred when he threw his fists against the door. How he bellowed with a voice more animal than human while he let his destructive instinct took over his body, relinquised control to the mad black flame in his heart.

I don't have a very memorable childhood. At least, according to my own hazy memories...

But that scene was burnt deeply into my mind and is still are.

The fear... A child's mind is so pure and innocent. It captures a lot of things that will remain with him/her until they grow up.

I have been shaped by the horrors I faced during my period of upbringing. Though the family try their best to protect me...

...I'd say they tend to be one step too late.

It's okay.

Am I still in a chrysalis, or have emerged anew?

Chrysalis, a hard skin beneath the shedded one. It prevents any damage done to the developing body of the soon-to-be butterfly, from which it will break out from and spread out its wings.

A question finds its way into my mind, how does the caterpillar knows the right moment to emerge?

It doesn't.

It is simply a beast of instinct.

It does not think. It acts accordingly instantly.

Maybe we can learn something from it.

PENANCE

With everything seems to be going on without control, I feel so insignificant.

It's easy to just let fate carry me away to places and situations I'm supposed to have

but sometimes, achieving what I want is much more satisfying.

Therefore I shall strive to better myself. To outdo the past in order to achieve the better future.


Lately I discovered that the person who I look up to is slowly losing whatever grace He has.

He has been reduced to an average person, the passion that drives His creativity absent in the shine of His eyes.

He has chosen a path which I will not follow. What I can do is watch His figure disappear into the horizon as He walks away without even looking back.

It is sad to lose a mentor who acts as a rival as well, but it is unevitable. I'll just advance alone.


That said, The Rose is still irresistable even after months obtaining her everlasting affection.

I'm truly glad I casted away the hesitation and whispered words that bind both of us together with the red ribbon.

Even if her petals are of a darker hue of red than mine, I promise to keep on nurturing her as best as I can.

In return for the beloved scent of the heavens hidden among the vibrant blades she posseses.

Perhaps you are a reward given to me in advance from my own Eden, because you are perfect.

Promise to not let go of me, and I will never release my grasp on you.


Dieu sait, mon cheri, this throbbing in my chest I cannot put into words. All I know it is due to you occupying most of the space in it.

ligusticifolia

Expand your consciousness...

Here is a short story of a lone clematis.

One of a kind among the others, the clematis was unique as it was not birthed the normal way. It descended from the heavens in seed form, landed upon the soil and grew magnicifently under the guidance of the rose.

While it longed for the gentle touch of the rain...

The rain that had accompanied it at times when it bloomed.

It had been a while since it tasted the comforting embrace of the rain... It looked up to the place where it had originated, hoping for the clouds to cry on it.

It asked the heavens to give it a sign, if it was to rain once again. To let out a thunderous roar if it was to rain once again.

A wish that was granted. The heavens did roar and it gave the clematis an everlasting hope to feast upon the rain.

Soon it was met with disappointment as the rain was not as intense as it hoped. Disappointment led to anger that it swallowed silently, bare ignoring the pain burning within.

It continued to bloom beautifully, because it was its duty to entertain others despite its true feelings.

Deprived of the gentle touch, it slowly succumbed to an illness which wilted all its body. The vibrant petals, the ones it was proud of, fell one by one, agonising it as they detached.

The heavens did not even notice how it suffered...

And soon the clematis was of no more... Merely discarded away for the birth of another beautiful being.

Another Side

So much happened in the duration of half a year. So much that I am tired. Very tired.

Lately I am under pressure as this is the time where my future is being put on stake, or as I prefer to say it, being put on the pens and papers.

Trust me, there is nothing more stressful than knowing that if you mess up, your future will be bereft of the light cast from your dream.

So I am trying to cope with it, by talking to different kinds of people. Observing as much as I can, learning of their gestures, their emphasise on certain words as they speak, the way their eyes blink as they converse, how their hands move with every words that escapes their lips...

Yes I am aware that I sound like a very dangerous person, watching your every move while being right in front of you. Imagine me staring hard.

But no, I am not that kind of person who records every details of you and use them against you someday.

I am just observing, as I said before. I observe on how they talk about their problems, how they boast about certain talents they have, idle topics that seem to go on and on...

This is to achieve better understanding, to gain inspiration. I have learnt of their insecurities, of their confidence, of their level of commitment on something or someone.

In other words, I am absorbing their knowledge. I am trying to emulate their ways in dealing with different situations.

And the results are not that satisfying.

Different person yield different problems, which in turn require different methods to solve them.

"Ignore others and shine in your own way" was the only lesson meaningful enough for it to stick in my mind until now, dear You Who I Wish To Unseat. I hold true to that phrase from years ago.

Thank you, but now I want to take my own step forward without you leading the way. Call me ungrateful, but it is necessary for my own so-called evolution.

Just watch over me and I'll shower you with gratitute once I've succeed else if I fail I will return to learn once again.

kyouou to kagen no tsuki no megumi

Thus, let us begin the feast

What do you see? What can you see?
The far-off walls painted red, tinted with seams of silver
Do not forget the reason the knife in your hands is sharpened

The goblet half-empty, refill it after quenching the burning thirst
Find your victim, pick the one that captures your murderous eyes
Remember to stop before the heart stops beating else you suffer the wretched disease

Your lips, bright red, attract the delicious preys and rendering them helpless
Sing in the voice that lures them, lead them to their resurrection
"Don't need this no more", so discard the cutleries from your hands and waltz to the unwary
Let the image of the dangerously elegant you burns into their eyes

Let the feast continue, before the bluish hue of the enigmatic rose fades away

Have you being satisfied? Do you crave more?
Invitations are sent, awaiting the arrivals of guests
Let us resharpen the knife that you have thrown away

Your lips, seductive, captive the innocent preys and rendering them breathless
Hum the requiem you have prepared, as their final play
"Need no fear, this will end soon", cease their useless struggles and end your desire

No, don't let them go away
Lure them, charm them into your deathly embrace
The coldness of your arms as their final resting place

Thus, let us end the feast

Bousenkikojou

You repeatedly say, "tears are my eternal companion"
Covering your face, shivering
Gazing into the distorted dream you have created

Around you is the barrier you erected in fear of intimacy
But you spread your arms as if seeking for a warm embrace
Yet you are afraid of rejection so painful you wish to crawl away and just die

Smiles carved, laughters echoed and you still are lamenting
Saying you have been able to discard the past while gingerly caressing the faint scars
Surely they have healed, but the throbbing ache never subsides
Slipping into the madness of loneliness as your lies polymerise

Because in the past you have done much to hurt others
Because right now you are ridden with so much guilt
So much you isolate yourself in fear of tainting others with your own filth
So much you retreat back to the night cradle to return back to sleep

Lowering your voice as you speak, refraining from waking others
You still yearn for their acceptance although you are afraid of rejection

Perhaps it's time you forgive yourself
So shed away the agony you keep with you all the times and emerge anew

L'repudiatus

Dearest rain, please drown my self-pitiness
No matter how much I wanted, it won't leave me
I tear away my wings and every trace of immaculacy but persists still the heaviness in the chest
I wish for it so much my hands bleed when I clasp them together to offer my prayers

Send all thoughts to the sky and let them rain down on me
To enable me to unbind myself from the tormenting past of wrongdoings
Ah what is this?
It's REGRET

Come, I don't want to be like this
My sincerest plea for the rain to cleanse me
Is my voice so frail it fails to reach you?
Please do not forsake me after leaving
I choke on my own tears, and the healing wounds reopen
Have my sufferings evoke anything from you?
I offer them as sacrifice

A shining light, at far distance
I outstretch my arms to gain hold of it

Dearest rain, I am awaiting for your arrival
While reliving the sinful past that buried me neck-deep I realise that,
"Never once did I appease you..."

My empty heart grieves as I fail to reach you out
And this place, hallowed and consecrated shall be where I sleep
If you won't even turn back then just leave signs that I am forgiven already
Just a single sigh...

My prayers are ignored, my fingers bleeding
While my wishes, fragile like sand, are being scattered in the wind
I am alone, lonely without you

Dearest rain, sadness, please take it away
With every bead of water running along my scabbing body
I am sure I am rejuvenated
I collected them in my cupped hands and watch helplessly as they seep away through the cracks of my finger

A blinding light, at far distance
I won't be able to be comforted by it

「天の砂」La voix silencieuse: REDISCOVERY

Let me rest here
A place to return to

The space which aches in the absence of you...

The silence is hurting me
The beads fall again and again but they are left unseen

As I whisper "GOODNIGHT" the flashing light beacons
Luring me away from the sleep
Depriving me the comfort of dreams

"Waiting for you to fall by my side..."

The sanctuary sings but wounded not without remorse
Driven away, casted upon the sun
Crumbling away, unable to be rebuilt anymore

"Forgive me, I have sinned"
Tainted and impure, looking upon Eden, wishing for its light to reach down here

"Calling for you to fall by my side..."

I fall asleep, trapped within the lapis lazuli dream
Waiting to be released, but my voice remains unheard
Still, I touch the glass wall hoping to finally wake up

In this space, will I finally dissolve to nothingness?
Within you, sinking
Permeated by the aurora that merges the sky and the clouds

"Praying for you to fall by my side"

Shivering, longing for the fall
The beads roll away
No answer... Silence...
The conscience is nearly betrayed

In the end, the sanctuary is out of reach

"Having faith for you to finally fall by my side..."

「罪」

The way they reacted upon hearing my answer...

It is clear that what I have done is a sin.

Shouldn't have committed that...

Forgive me...

Quasi una fantasia

I wonder why I can't sleep right now?

"Calling for you to fall by my side..."

Yesterday, which had passed only less than two hours ago, had been dream-like.

I managed to taste the Flowerbuds. The Sacred Flowerbuds that offer comfort to those lucky to earn them.

It almost felt like a fantasy, how yesterday drifted past me. I was in a state of blank mind as I cruised along the painful hours of longing.

Also, the Voice of the Sanctuary managed to reach me before midnight.

I am currently basking myself in the beautiful melodies and the heavenly voice.

It feels comfortable.

But I still miss You.

鳥

The previous canary has come home to roost.

I am sorry but the space you left within me...

It has been occupied by a beautiful rose.

Ask for forgiveness if you want. I've told you, "once wounded it will take a very long time to heal" didn't I?

For you had discarded me away after I was of no use to you anymore.

Go find another cage, canary. There is no more place for you to return in me.

Leave us alone in our own world...

「鳥かご」-Joie foncée, Lucem Ferre-

Swallowed by the times of drifting in the everlasting dream
The shards of my raison d'etre are piercing through my chest

The sky starts to shine, therefore spread your wings of prayers and reach for the noctilucent cloud

How many times have I lost count of the times when the Sun's ray burn on me?
I don't remember, I gaze at the scars that remind me of the mistakes I've done

Why is it so hard to let go of you but you tend to leave me before it dawns
Is the sky filled with so much calamity that you refused to remain at my side?
Answer me, have faith in me, I'm damaged beyond repair

White rays begin to pierce through the cloud, outshining the noctilucent cloud
Yet I still cannot see beyond my two arms

If achieving what we desired is a sin I wouldn't mind to scrape away my grace if it means you staying with me forever
Because in you I find my true self
A genuine smile is carved on my face when I succumb to the endless desire

I shall take my leave, as the scorching rays penetrated the thick cloud covers and the mist dissipates
The dark depletes when agony eats me
I wrap my wings around me awaiting the next dawn

The Broken Plug

In the tomorrow that is drenched with tears to ease the pain of yesterday
You render your heart and calm it down with a gentle whisper

Keep spinning and trapped in the inpure cycle to achieve a greater good
You sacrificed many just for a tiny light
But I should ask, is it worth it all?

In the dawning sky where you have shouted all that is left in yesterday's ruin
You wonder if they will ever fall and rain down on you once more

Managing to smile when your heart's scars are aching
The pain that you tried to hide but it is reflected in your eyes
As you refused to offer your hands to anyone

Grabbing hold of the fragile promises and hoping they wouldn't break
All the while knowing they will, someday
That is the reason for yesterday's tears, isn't it?
Heading to a direction where the dent on your emotions doesn't show

In the tomorrow where you will act as if nothing had happened yesterday
You gaze longingly into the sky where you have cried everything

Melodious Re-Birth -the distortion-

Malicious stares, impure thoughts
Now returning to the site where all began

So, the light really does hurt my eyes
So, the soil really does reject me
The heart melts, and flows out
Onto the place where you once sleep on

I saw the shiny surface of the pool besides the appartion of you
Gazing into the mirror, reflected only is an angel who weeps eternally

So i succumb into a lonely sleep painfully
Cradling my own mangled limbs
My wings are broken and weak, unable to carry me to you anymore

I fall asleep while being drenched in sorrow
Uncured of my mortal disease of longing
Breathing heavily, the void in my chest tightens

I don't want you to disappear anymore, please
Holding onto our precious promise close to my heart as if it is breaking
I wish to see you now

PRIMORDIAL PRELUDE

It has been said that the heart knows where
So I cast away my grace and becoming who I am now

The unsatisfying convulsion is painfully alone
It is in dire need of another to please it

I searched for the perfect one and found it
Scatter them within me
The amniotic coffin has been prepared
Lay the soul rebirth to rest there

The unstable minute being
I want to cradle you in my arms

PRIMORDIA

This is...
The depth of the beginning
Where it will reform

Suffocating and drowning
Again fear seize you
Hold onto the last shred of consciousness
Find yourself in shackles and sink

You are dissolving
Scatter your final thoughts
Which will be washed away by the current

You can hear them, you can feel them
The harmonic requiem that prays
The satisfying convulsion
Towards the crimson amniotic coffin
It will be over, soon...

It is confined in a tiny minute shell, still insignificant
It will just flow to search for the place of beginning
Lovely little bubble drifting deeper within

The life temporarily leave you
A beatiful canvas of grotesque arts
The speck of white fleeting beings are forgotten by the waves

Lovely minute being
Ah, I long for you...

PRIMORDIAL INTERLUDE

I am drifting
Opening the eyes, the hazy white liquid
Where am I?

The scent of the amniotic coffin is unmistakable
Gazing upon the faint light dimmed by the foams

Slowly forming
I will be complete once again
To draw another breath in the tainted world

My minute shell shall I cast away
I have found another minute unstable vessel

Amidst the joy and luscious agony
I exist and will never be without them
Trapped within the endless cycle

Please welcome me with open arms
My dearest Creators, who have gifted me with parts of their physical form
I shall be your happiness

PRIMORDIA ~another story~

I am burdened by the cuffs that once restrained me
The wavering silence diluted the moment, I drown in the loneliness

Melting away while the ashen sky went still
I walk along the shores that resemble our promised eden
A pale lily blooms, as I let myself drift into the everlasting ocean

Sound of waves echoes, resounding within me
as I stumble along my way to see you
Grasping onto every bits of memory left
I don't even know if they are real or fabricated truth

I escaped my confines, just for a mere glimpse of you
Wandering alone, under the ashen sky
the vox is resembling your laughter, tearing me apart

The flickering light faintly pierces the mist of yesterday
as I stumble along my way to see you
Reminiscing how we say goodbye to each other
my heart breaks as I know the memory is real

Melting away into the future, as I drift within the ocean
Lifeless, hoping the currents to bring me back to you

Moon Prayer

I thought I had grown stronger.

My strength, is just a sad lie. Truth is I am still the weak-hearted person I wish to forget.

Right now I am hoping that Music might distract me from this feeling that is pressing against my chest.

Cold, prickly thorns of Sorrow. I hate partings and farewells.

I still cannot forget the pain of last year...
I want to laugh as if it is nothing but I cannot.
I smiled yet I can feel it breaking.
My heart melted and flows.

Dearest Elegant Rose, Elegant Butterfly...
I fear this day, this date.
It is painful, and I miss you.
Even though we did not meet, did not know each other personally but still...
Emptiness clenches my existance knowing that you are not here anymore.
I wished to just fade away, but now I have found a reason to stay.
As God has given me The Rose.

"Let's metamorphose, together."
I can never look at the others without imagining you there.

Stay calm.
Be strong.
You have changed.

I will let you stay.
Please, in return, let me stay like this.
Immobile, weak, in my resting place.
The scent of Roses shall greet me.
Maybe we will meet, someday.

Until then, Dearest Elegant Butterfly. I await the moment of Reunion.

Elegant Butterfly

Exactly a year ago, I weeped in sorrow as the day dawned.

The news of the ascendancy of a great person to the glorious sky reached me.

Such beautiful, elegant person, the lovely butterfly, had acquired a pair of wings and broke through the chrysalis. Leaving the tainted world behing with a smile.

Today is not the time to grieve.
Today is not the time to shed tears.
Today I will appreciate the memory of his.

Jasmine You...
May you rest in peace.

「結露」 -dewdrop-

What did they think of when I was conceived within her lotus flower?

Did they invisioned me as who I am now?

My beloved nearly-withered bouquet of blue roses...
I am nearly consumed by the desire.
Fallen deep into the endless sea.



"You have reverted back."
"Welcome home, finally."
"Amidst the demeanor you have, you are still pretty much the same."

"I feel like breaking."
"A slight touch, painful."
"Fragile, helpless. Bound to the tainted earth."

"Which one is the truth?"
"Which are the lies?"

"I don't know myself."
"I honestly don't know."
"Please let go of me."

The touch of my own cold fingers is cracking the glass wall.

Maybe someday, I will be able to break through it.

And the merciless white room shall be painted with dreams.

Veil of MARIA

"May I sing a light?"

"You can break my shield..."

You have done that many times. I am thankful for that.

"When do I trance?"

"To that way..."

"It's so long."

This torturous distance is just too small a challenge to make me let go of you.

"Say a word."

"I know you want to feel wind and sea."

"And I will send to you fast."

It has been a while since I listen to this, 砂月－さん.

運命FADE

I gaze into the hazy tomorrow and begin to fear the light.

I can feel my foolish heart melt and it escapes through my eyes.

I need salvation, that is why I want more and more sinful sensation.

So that is why I consumed many things that can intoxicate me, to distract myself from the fear.

A scream of terror resonates within me and that is when I began to crumble.

Please hold me together and never let go of my hands.

Tighten your grip and whisper me "good night".

Motionless in my chamber.

A stagnant mind is invaded by a song.

Lured by the siren.

I long for you.

Night Sky

It has been a while, night sky. How are you doing?

I hope everything goes well.

It really feels comfortable being overshadowed by you right now.

Take care of The Butterfly, please. The one who arrived on the early hours of August 9th, 2009. The one who managed to break through the cocoon of mortality, but has left many with heart-break.

It's time to move on.

Will remember you always, but I want to recall the image of you with a smile, not with droplet of tears.

Let's go. I await tomorrow with an anticipation. May tomorrow be well.

「浄化; BY MELODY」

Hell Movement:

It is soiled deep in the subconsicous that everything is just polymerised lies.
It is soiled deep in the flesh that the red gash is just old wound reopen.



Purgatory Movement:

I want to sleep and dream, while bearing the 'not-yet-understood' feeling that is clenching me.
So I can cast it away in the dream.

Is it fear?
Is it anxiety?
Will it kill?
Will it prey on me?



Paradise Movement:

To finally reconcile to the thread of fate.
Being at peace at last.
The song of the beautiful crooning angel echoes at the edge of this place.



Winter Farewell:

I refuse to say "goodbye".
You are alive, warm and smiling.
With a beating heart, flowing blood in your veins.
Your fragrance is unbearable.
Let me sink my sinful daggers into you.

「改革運動」

Reformation Motion.

Never I feel so helpless before.

It feels as if I am made of straw, soulless and without warmth. With yellow beads as my eyes and no free will to be declared sentient.

A golem, malignant and tainted with sin done without the acknowledgement of my own mind.

Since when have I reverted to a beast of desire?

My withered lily is shedding its dried petals, looking like a maiden crying before the wicked sacrifice.

Ah I hope this feeling will cease.





[Seulement Dieu sait]

~有害な青~ Imperceptably Draw by the Snow

The sky, I'm afraid, is looking rather unfriendly.

I am heading toward a place where all begins.

Yesterday I lost count of the beads I had let slip when the string broke.
Because of that, the night had been fiercely hostile.
So I hope today will turn out to be okay.

Unfriendly sky.
Dark rain clouds.
Cold wind.
Silence.

Prelude for something?

I mourn for yesterday.
Such a beautiful day had been wasted just like that.

Carpe Diem.
Seize the day.
Life's only transient.
Therefore, before we succumb to the eternal sleep,
live it to the fullest.

「最後の傷」

"Every memories dissolve in the singularity point..."

Sometimes I need to escape from life for a while.

I lay motionless, in the absence of music, inside my solitary chamber.

This place has become hectic lately, slowly driving me into madness.

But there is no chaos here.

My chamber smells of decay. Stench from my own crumbling conscience.

Breathe.

Gone looney? :D

(. _ .)

I just accidentally deleted most of the songs in my phone.

Talk about being in a state of unstability of the mind.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME NOW??? (O A O)

With my PC out of order...

Wednesday Wednesday

This one is for you, my dearest...

The day we bet against each other

I saw you walk into the canteen area from my seat
because I purposely sat facing the entrance

I saw how you reacted when our eyes met
and almost as soon as my eyes left yours you disappeared

As if you grew a pair of wings and ascended to the sky

When I turned my attention to somewhere else
I felt the now-familiar sensation of your finger poking my side

I turned around and saw the fleeing you, looking graceful even in the rush
leaving behind the gaping friend

You texted me that afternoon, and I still remember what you said

"Where is my drink?"
"I want my drink desuu"

After my afternoon class ended I went to your usual seat at the canteen
and you, sitting cross-legged on the bench, greeted me with a smile
and said, "Baru kan reply text", giggling

We walked together, our steps synchronised gently

With a voice so sweet it makes my knees weak, you ordered the Pokka Ice Lemon Tea.

"This is my favourite drink," squealing in delight, clutching the bottle as if it was a trophy.

Indeed it was a trophy, symbolising the success of you to steal my attention.

We made our way to the noticeboard, to post something related to the J-Club
and met a few of your friends in our way, introducing me to them

After we posted the note we walked slowly to the 'pool' area and spoke again about random stuffs

Then you showed me your mismatched shoes, courtesy of your friend

You asked for me to lend my shoe for a while

Putting it on, you laughed at how absurd it looked like on your cute foot

When I excused myself because my ride was already there, I heard for the first time your "mmmph~"

God knows how I love that simple sound very much




I Miss You I Miss You

I regret not returning your affections earlier
So we can forge many beautiful memories together

I Love You I Love You
Kiko, I truly miss you

It seems like this space has not received much attention and care I promised, when I first created it.

It seems that time flows very fast, and cruel to both of our hearts.

It seems that with every hour that ticks away, my heart weakens and my strength slowly falters.

It seems that I have opened up too much that my vulnerable side has been exposed and attacked many times.

I lashed out accidentally and regretted for even doing it.

I offer my sincerest apology if the person who I directed the not-so-veiled insult read it.

I promise to never do it again.

Awakening To Moonlight

Secilia Luna. Crescent.

Their first PV and song that I tried, which immediately made me fall for them.

That was their first song with their new vocalist, Mirai.

There has been an announcement that they will be having a 2-months consecutive release.

I will be waiting with anticipation.

カナリア

I sink into this deep feeling in my heart

because somehow it comforts me.

Even though my eyes are stung by the tears I feel calm and content.

Yes, another Melodious Catharsis is needed. Now.

I miss you already.

KIMITOTE

A gloomy morning

but I will try to be as bright as I can.

I want to be in a high place, to be close to the sky.

Heart-rendering, the sound of these droplets are.

I feel better knowing that the Sun exists somewhere beyond the dark clouds.

Zettai mu

I feel heavy in heart.

Although I say I am depressed or whatever in online sites,

being with friends dissolves the sadness away.

I thank all of them, for being there with me.

So it is not an act.

Some people talk about someone who is always posting depressing phrases online, but when they meet the someone he is in fact quite happy.

Some say he is putting on a mask of happiness, hiding a grimacing face of tearful pain underneath.

The someone might also say in an ironic twist, "my smiles just now are fake".

That someone still can't understand his own heart, I would say.

So how will he be able to be honest to at least himself?

He lied to his own heart, saying that he is always alone and being in a perpetual sorrowful state

while in fact he is surrounded by people who want to share his pain and be there for him.

He is the one who pushes them away and let himself be swallowed by grief.






[Let go of the past and focus on the future.]

A phrase I like to recite to any poor soul in distress

while in fact I am still haunted by my own past and unable to escape someone's shadow.

If I want to move forward I will inevitably be drawn back to where I start.

Maybe it is a curse, or a punishment for abandoning one thing I really shouldn't have.





May I be forgiven someday...

Musical Catharsis

Yes, yet again I need to cast this away.

Refining.
Rebooting.
Refraining.

I want to break out of this cocoon and emerge anew.

『羊皮紙』FORGIVENESS IS NAUGHT

Everything eventually turns to dust and scatters in the wind

I was too consumed with the desire that my eyes went blind

My fragile hands bleed when I clasped them together in a prayer
I beg for forgiveness by this chapped lips that are wounded by cruel words uttered before
Foolishly I cry when the faint sunbeam fall onto my delicate skin

The pain intensify when I watch the faint violet colours of the darkening sky
Why do when I try to recall the memories of my miserable, short life my tears overflow again and again

The scorching pure light embraced me and soothes my withering body
I cannot even feel it when do I start to crumble away

My wickedness turns into the flame that consume me and it won't leave
My prayer hands are burnt before turning to dust

My wickedness turns into the thorns that bind me and cutting into my flesh
So deep the wounds that they do not bleed

All due to my wickedness....

任意

Friend: What to say... 'I can only see your flirting image in the night'?
Aki: Eh?! *laughs crazily*
Friend: *slit eyes* What's so funny!!



Friend 1: You were poked by [his name]. Poke back or remove?
Friend 2: Return fire! *gleefully laughs*
Aki: Now why does that sound familiar?
Friend 2: Facebook! Arrr!



Aki: Imagine the whole stuff fall onto you. *points at huge stack of boxes and iron bars*
Friend: Uh-huh. *keeps on typing on mobile phone*
Aki: Mobile phone sure is the best way to ignore lame jokes.
Friend: Uh-huh.



Instructor: You are from PTEK, right?
Aki: Yes.
Instructor: What's the name of the senior there? The supervisor?
Aki: I've been in Kendo for about one year.
Instructor: *widen eyes* Sorry, what?
Aki: *smiles* Uh, what?
Others: *laughs*



Instructor: Open up your legs wide.
Aki: That sounds weird.
Partner: Be quiet and concentrate.



Instructor: 'Kiai' (shout) anything loudly, as long as I can hear the echo in this hall.
Friend 1: AYAAAAAM!
Friend 2: SUSHIIII!!
Friend 3: DURIAAAAAN!!



Friend 1: It's been a while, yo.
Friend 2: KAU LAGI!



Friend: He's pretty anti-social. *points at Aki*
Acquaintance: No, he looks more like a nerd.
Friend: *shots a look at the acquaintance*
Acquaintance: What? It's true.
Aki: *curses silently*

1 Minute

Today I experienced the longest one minute in my life.

This is even longer than waiting for my Maths class to finish.

I had a pseudo-shiai today with a seasoned Kendo-ka.

Honestly I let go of everything and my instincts took control.

Adrenaline pumped, everything was slowed in my field of vision.

I lashed out with all my might, swinging the imitation of the Japanese sword toward my opponent's head.

It slammed onto his shinai and bounced back in disappointment.

I took a step back and prepared to mount another attack.

I remember only bits of it, so that's all I can say.

One of my fellow Kendo-ka said I fight clumsily but fierce.

Now my arms ache.

Really should not had strike him strongly~ \(> A <)/

Realisation

Just writing blindly will not do.

Therefore I must strive to learn music theory and stuffs.

Wait for me,

it's still a long way for me to reach you

but I will never give up.

『異常の声』 ~prelude for insanity~

I have become insecure by the constant thoughts of being inferior
So much that I just want to crawl and die silently

No remorse, another lost voice is found
My broken nails, bloodied, splintered
Are clawing at my chest to rip out my own insane heart
My eyes, red overflowing with blood, seethe with madness and hatred
The knife I used to scrape all the filth is being sharpened and pierces my chest

So much, so much
Do you realise it
You won't understand this dark pain
You don't understand me anymore
You won't wait for me anymore
You won't, you don't want to, it's so painful

I want to hate and curse my own existance
Why do I even being born to fall into this chasm of chaos
Insanity I embraced now, consumes everything
Into the cradle of desire, the blood-red roses' bed

I have become insecure by the constant thoughts of being inferior
So much that my senses dimmed and I gradually crumble

So much, so much
The guilt of being here to coexist is unbearable
The grotesque of human emotions are just too much and I succumb to my own shattered mind

So much
The blades of red petal dance to my whimsical growls

So much
The pain I want to scrape with the knife beside me

So much
I have been reduced to nothingness

A beautiful sigh

Kono Yoru wa...

It's such a beautiful night.


I'm gonna spend it with being surrounded by music.


Sitting on the most comfortable chair, leaning back...

It has been quite some time since I last do that.








This is sooo relaxing ( - w - )

Kanzen Uta 『Everlasting Dream』

Juka's vocal skill is quite impressive.

Not as good as the aesthetic Satsuki or the godly Kyo though, if one is to compare him to among the best vocalists, but still.

Everlasting Dream is such a beautiful piece. It makes me feeling a bit nostalgic.

I mean, it has quality rarely found in many songs. Dreamy musical arrangement augmented with beautiful lyrics performed by a lovely troupe.

When I listen to it I can't help but to recall past times involuntarily.

The live recorded version is also great. I like that he taunted the audience to sing along.

The live version has been on repeat for quite a while now.

Undergoing Musical Catharsis II

I am sorry for the previous post.

It is just that many things happened simultaneosly and I am unable to restrain myself.

Perhaps that song had triggered everything.


You, do you remember...?

You had appeared before me when I was deep in grief and neck-deep in shame.
You shined the most among others.
You had broke the barrier I had built around me.





You, do you remember...?

The moment you presented a beautiful blue rose?
I hold close to my heart the picture that has inspired me so many times.
I was awestruck by the image.





You, do you remember...?

The moment you went down to an illness.
The others had stopped all activities just to allow you recuperate.
In that time you had received so many questions asking of your well-being.
Do you know that we had planned to present the physical manifestion of our collected affection to you?
You had replied to a friend
"Do not worry"
"I am fine"
"I am sorry I have troubled you"
"Next time, we will meet up again"





You, do you remember...?

The day you went to a path I cannot follow.
I cried so much.
I cried so much.
I cried so much.

I cried so much.
I cried so much.
I cried so much.
I cried so much.
I cried so much.
I cried so much.
I don't think there was another moment in which my tears had spilled that much.
Poignantly, our symbols of affection, one we wanted to present to you, one we wrote wishes for you to get well soon,
They were laid on your grave.





I will never forget you.
I promise.

Undergoing Musical Catharsis

I want to embody you.

That is why I keep many pictures depicting the beautiful, elegant you.

Although it hurts many times, I still hold you dearest.

While I keep on trying to move forward, wanting to forget everything


I will find myself being dragged back to the moment in which you disappear.

I can still smell your presence here next to me. A fragrance so sweet and nectary.

I am sorry, but I still can't forget you.

I clawed at my own weakness, so much that I cannot even feel the pain anymore.

If only I can bleed this overwhelming emotion out...

Even if anyone come and replace you, I will still see you being there next to the others.

If loving you has damned me, I won't regret shouting out my true feelings up to the sky so everyone will hear them.

If I do that, will you be able to listen?








With that day creeping closer, my heart feels weaker.

I fear that I cannot last until the day I am supposed to go.

At this time, I am listening to your legacy.





You can purge misery out of me
Rest easy
None will ever take over your place
In my heart

Limpid Mind

To posses a mind as clear as the limpid water

sounds pretty cool don't you think? (^ - ^)

With a clear mind, thoughts properly sorted

one can see every details of anything that happen to be in his line of vision.

Since I lack the reflexes necessary to become a proper swordsman,

maybe if I can anticipate the opponents' attacks just by observing the movements I can be victorious.

With a limpid mind I think that will be possible.



But how can we achieve that state of mind?

Maybe... By chanting it non-stop?

LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND LIMPID MIND

*thuds*

*snores*

DEADLY AQUAMARINE

I realise that I haven't changed much (= _ =)

Truth is, I really thought I did but it all shattered when I stumbled upon an old acquaintance a while ago.

We exchanged a few words and hung out for a moment.

Then he said, "Aki, you are still the same. Haven't changed much are you?"

I fell silent.

Well of course he meant it in a good way, but still...

Those are the days I call 'The Chaos' era.

I don't really want to remember every details, because what I did was very shameful.

He is one person from that era.

And then he said that I am still the same.

It hurts.

It is wonderful how short phrases said pleasently can wound you deeper than harshly-shouted curses.

Fallen From The Pure White Sky

This is my idol.

Isn't he beautiful?

THE TRUTH IS A LIE. CONCEALMENT IS TRUE.

Why do great bands disappear lately?

Rentrer en Soi, Siva, hime ichigo, chariots...

Though now chariots is Riku's solo project

but I think it won't be able

to shine as brightly as before.

Siva broke my heart when they announced their disbanding. The word "Sayounara Siva" kept on repeating in my mind like a never-ending curse that cause me misery.

I tried to find out where the members are right now but it seems like they have disappear.

Unless for Iori-san who joined Cocklobin way before their disbanding.

They took quite a long time to recover from the lost of that one talented guitarist.

hime ichigo...

I had not have time to get into them deeply

but I know they were good.

A pity when such band died.

Finally Rentrer en Soi.

Their first song I listened to is PROTOPLASM.

Since then I realise I have fallen in love with The Vocalist.

Sadly only a week after that love at first listening, they announced their dis bandment.

I was in distraught. I didn't know what to say

and then Satsuki sang STAY GOLD which ceased my suffering.

He made a promise, to meet the fans when they get reborn once again.

Then the members went their separate ways.

Satsuki embarked to a perilous wonderful path of performing solo.

Mika also followed suit, forming Forbidden Days Rhapsody, inviting Shun to join his troupe during [CANTICUM].

Ryo joined Amber Griss, which I am not familiar with.

As of Takumi...

For two years he didn't announce anything.

Some fear he might retire

but I just read news that he is back to the music scene.

He is involved in one of 12012's project, but as it is still unclear to what extend he helped them...

He is still inactive for now.



Asagi-sama-tachi has sang, "God knows" so I will keep on watching.

In a Lucid Dream

I appeared to be in a mental state called [Writer's Block] （ 》 A 《 ）

Hate thiiiiiisssss

But that aside, I am researching about dreams.

I find out that some people can remain conscious in their dreams.

In other words, they are the weaver of their own dreams.

I am not one of them （＞ A ＜）

To be able to take control of dreams is my uh, dream ( - , - )

Anyways the title's one of Satsuki's song from AWAKE.

His new look is very verrrrrry *bleeped*

R.E.M.

Counting the sounds of footsteps outside the wounding cloister
Hoping only to be released while the gentle lie is repeated

Please Sir can't you see it?
I, bound to these chains, withered
Tainted, impurified, sinning
A distorted scream should reach you softly

When the shame and the loneliness endure
I will rise to the crimson sky bearing your name

Unable to spread my wings in the wounding cloister
My tattered feathers lay ruined before my feet
Remnants of lascivious dignity are dissolving, but the chains won't even disappear

My prayers left unanswered, a stigmatic body carrying the fallen grace painfully moves

Though the glimmering silver beam reach my eyes it cannot rouse me from this sleep
My limbs have long being petrified with the continuous gentle lies
And the shame to be endured is just...

I want be free
Please Sir can't you grant it
My last wish is said with the last of my breaths
It should have reached you pleasently

In the wounding cloister my love's pair of wings lay still
When this heart ceases its beating
I want to carry the scent of life towards you

Just the two of us, dearest dead wings
We will exchange our vows in the next carnation

The Calm Before the Storm

It is quite obvious, and it is getting annoying.

The way you look at me. The way your eyes shine when you speak to me. The way you move when I return your gaze with a small wave.

Please do not misinterpret that as an indication of an affection.

I am just being polite, not wanting to leave your smiles unanswered.

But it is getting worse.

I want to break your heart but I cannot bring myself to it.

Because that will also hurt me if I know I have draw tears from a woman.

Though I want to end all your happy fantasies, I also want you to end it yourself.

If you see me as having a beautiful personality, I will show you my ugliest one.

If you think I am a soft-spoken person, I will shout words that are considered impolite out loud.

If you think I am someone who can tolerate constant nagging, I will leave you if you start talking.

But I cannot do any one of these.

There are rules within my subconsciousness that I have to obey.

I am trapped by the rules I have written myself.

I can only watch as it goes on and on.

I feel so helpless.

Jardin de Roses 「THIRD ACT: MALIGNANCE OF CHARM」

Cynthia found herself inside a theater, with Old Marlowe sitting next to her, watching a performance of a group of traveling minstrels.

She kept on fidgeting in her seat, as she did not enjoy the performance very much. Though it was quite interesting she could not forget her actual purpose, and hurry to the place.

"My lady, have you ever heard of the story of blood-drinkers?" Old Marlowe whispered, perhaps for a dramatic effect.

It worked, because she felt a chill down her spine after that. She had heard of the horrible tales of people drained of their blood during her travels. Those stories had her experiencing weeks of uncomfortable sleep.

She decided to feign innocence. By carefully composing her face and remembering to change the tone of her voice, she hoped that he would not detect her lies.

"I beg you pardon?" she replied after a while. Her eyes wavered a little, trying hard not to met his gaze.

"The blood-drinkers, blasphemers of God. The spawns of the Devil." He spoke those words as if they were poison. "Cruel beasts of the night that prey upon the unwary. Have you ever heard of such stories?"

"I do not know. Maybe I have heard of them, but then maybe I have not," she said, curling her lips into what she hoped to be her sincerest smile.

Old Marlowe replied her smile with a small laugh. It was evident that she had captured his heart with that simple act.

"Ah forgetful, are you not! Yet so young!" He marveled at the beautiful sight. "Do tell, my lady, how old are you?"

Remembering what her mother always answered to such question, she could not help but reply slyly.

"When a woman mentions her age..." she stopped, playing with Old Marlowe's curiosity, "...she loses that much youth from herself."

The old man was surprised. It was clear, as the creases on his forehead became more pronounced. Tongue-tied, his brows arched when Cynthia finally met his gaze.

"Well spoken, my lady!" He chuckled. "Truly, this is the first time I am rendered speechless since the day I was appointed as the head of my people."

She did not offer him any slightest gesture of answers. Instead she focused on the performance, distracting herself from the awkward conversation with the old man who did not hide his interest in her.

The many actors wearing robes were surrounding a young girl in the middle of the stage. An expression that could be defined as fear was immediately recognised. The girl cried with a hoarse voice for help, her eyes pleading. Her left hand was apparently mangled, a bloodied cloth was wound around it.

It seemed so real, as if it was no acting. The terror reflected by her face was so heart-achingly painful to watch.

A woman with red robe approached the girl, seizing her right arm harshly and forced her to her feet.

Another of those robed figures began chanting hauntingly. They stepped toward the girl and partially blocked the audience's view as the red-robed woman kissed the girl's neck.

A scream echoed in the teather as the woman sank her teeth into the girl jugular vein. She convulsed, writhing in agony as she was violated by the creature Old Marlowe called 'cruel beast of the night'.

The dark robes obscured the people's view of the gruesome sight, but as Cynthia was seated at different height from the normal seats, she witnessed what she would remember as one of the most terrifying scene in her life.

The young girl went limp after a while. The thump of her body against the floor was the thunder that striked fear at Cynthia's heart.

"Magnificent, is it not? The greatest performance I have even seen, do you agree?" Old Marlowe said, muffled by the sound of claps that followed.

She just nodded weakly, shaken by the play she had just witnessed.

The curtain fell, seperating the crowd with the actors. To her relief, the young girl rose unharmed.

"My lady? You do not look well."

Finally she was able to breathe deeply. She exhaled as quietly as she could but still she could hear wheezing.

"Sir Marlowe -- " she began.

"Please, Francis will do just fine," he tipped his hat a little.

"Sir Marlowe," she insisted. "why do you think I am of a noble family?"

A puzzled look was cast from the old man to her. For the first time she saw a different reaction from him.

"I am afraid that I do not understand your question," he blinked a couple of times. "Such fair complexion, a fine mannerism and a lovely dress..." he said in a low monotone, stopping to sniff at the air, "...and such captivating fragrance. Are those not evidence of aristocracy?"

"I am not of noble blood. I am no aristocrat. Forgive me, but I am just the daughter of a farmer. A mere commoner, just like all of those people," she pointed at the audience.

"My lady--"

"Cynthia," she interrupted. "I am most comfortable being called by the name my mother had given to me," she said with a voice lacking warmth.

A giggle uncomfortably drifted from nowhere...

POUR ETRE SANS VOUS [the lonely voices]

I am repeating your magnificent melodies.

Melodies that were born from the purest maiden's heart.

A symbol for the aesthetic silent parting that you have let me to agonise on.

As the melody flows, I have experienced different emotions at the same time.

I am happy. Happy that I have declared myself as your devout follower. Happy that before you go you have achieved what you had wanted to do. Happy that you have left your legacy for me to carry forever in my heart.

I am sad. Sad that I won't be able to bear witness to your next metamorphosis, my dearest, elegant flower. Sad that I won't be able to watch your beautiful grace anymore. Sad that I cannot even summon any tears because I have cried them dry during the last year's ceremony of your ascendation to a lovely butterfly that you will always be now.

I am confused. Confused that I do not know what to do as the melodies have robbed me of my will. Confused that I have not even opted to gather myself to become such a great person like you. Confused that I am unable to cease the stirring feeling in my chest.

I am unable to stop the melodies. They keep on resounding inside of my hollowed self. They fill the deep empty space that you had left.

I knew, it is only temporary. Soon they will shatter away cruelly, leaving behind a trail of melancholy that will taint my subconsiousness for quite some time.

A living memorial has been born while I cast away my guilt and fears. It will reminisce a beautiful person who had changed many with his play.

He unintentionally left behind a whip of roses named SORROW. It binds itself to the people who loved him the most, cutting deep into their flesh with the thorns and mesmerise them with the scent of the heavens.

I await my time to meet you silently in my resting place
I ask my children to place the lid and be silent

Sweet is sleep to me and even more to be of stone,
while the wrong and shame endure,
To be without sight and or sense is a most happy change for me,
Therefore do not rouse me
Hush! Speak low...

Flawless Eternal Pit [Puits éternel parfait]

I find her quite endearing.

Such smile. Such gaze. Such movement. An aesthetic unnatural grace.

I am afraid I will lose control.

She is like my forbidden fruit.

Love is my serpent.

To be banished is the punishment.

While I cannot even touch her hands,

While I cannot even hear her voice,

While I cannot even smell her fragrance,

I dare to say her skin will be warm.

I dare to say her voice will be pleasant.

I dare to say her scent will be unbearable.

Come to me, my dearest. Come closer.

I will stain the pure white dress with red.

I will sink my pride into your sinful neck.

I will draw you into darkness.

Your ugliness will be washed away.

Your weaknesses will be cast away.

Your beauty will trancend even the thrones of heaven.

Until the night come, my love. Sleep in my arms.

You will rise anew from the ashes of your previous life.

You will be reborn in my hands.

Jardin de Roses 「SECOND ACT: FESTIVAL DE LA SOIRÉE」

Cynthia made her way through the mass crowd of unfamiliar faces, carefully avoiding any direct eye contacts with anyone. She feared her own anxiety would grow if she did.

The small town was very lively. Every corner she could see huge groups huddling close to each other, talking and laughing and smiling. The women showed their jeweleries and dresses off while their children cried for attention. Men were drowned in their own world, each was clearly drunk with excitement and tiredness perhaps obtained from preparing for the festival.

A mellow music slowly drifted across the street. It had drawn many commoners into dancing with each other as it was very intoxicating. The sound of their shoes stepping onto the barren soil added a certain flavour to the already perfect blend of melody, making it even harder to resist.

The streets were decorated with sorts of long feathery fabrics that were pleasent to touch. Above their heads were hung the carved lanterns, each glowed with the orange colour of the sunset. Tufts of grasses lining the sides of the streets were crushed, perhaps by the feet of the dancing crowd.

Unevitably Cynthia's anxiety did grow, as she was not used to being in a place with huge crowds. She took in a deep breath but was interrupted by the mixed smells of different spices wafting from somewhere. She had to cover her nose to avoid chains of sneezing.

Far across the main administration builing of the town located at the end of the street was a huge space, occupied with many stalls. They were selling many souvenirs, ranging from masquerade masks, cheap jewelries, expensive umbrellas, to skins from alleged beastly wolves slaughtered by the town's champions. The owners of the stalls shouted with loud voices, trying garner much attention to sell their merchandices.

Located exactly in the middle of the stalls was a huge, white marble-tiled square. At the center of the square was a very magnificent pool of water, surrounded with grasses with the perfect green hue. Rose petals were scattered on the surface, dyeing the clear water slightly red. A huge fountain of water was built in the middle, a marvelous sight for a country woman who had spent most of her childhood at the farms.

Suddenly a gust of wind came, slapping her hard and blowing the light purple velvet scarf off her neck. Instinctively she made ao attempt to grap it off the air but as the wind lacked mercy, it blew the warming cloth to one end of the square where childrens played.

She feared of its safely, as she had grown quite attached to it. She hurried her pace, determined to snatch the scarf off the ground before it would be stepped upon. It had not dawned to her that the long overflowing skirt of her dress was inhibiting her strides, only realising it when she stepped on it.

She managed to soften her landing but still, the impact brought pain to her. She could taste blood, she must had accidentally bitten her lips. The coppery flavor of the constituent of living twisted her stomach.

A pair of hands grabbed her shoulders and helped her stand. It was sudden, she did not even knew who that was. She was too embarrased to look at the person's face.

The hands were quickly withdrawn. It was almost as if they had touched something that hurt them. The person hastily stepped back, something she interpreted correctly as fear, deeply surprising her. She raised her head, now fully aware that everyone were staring at her.

This continued for a couple of moments. The crowds had winded down, the music died and the people stopped moving. They all stared at the beautiful stranger that had tints of blush on both her cheeks, the stranger whose face had been saved from the dirty floor, the stranger that was unable to return all the starings; instead looking down shyly.

An old man dressed in black formal clothes stepped out. A short, thin figure, he appeared taller because of the top hat. The ebony walking stick he clutched tapped slowly to the rhythm of his steps. He slowly approached the stranger that stood before his people.

"I offer my sincerest apology, my lady," he spoke with a voice that reflected years of collective wisdom, "I had not receive the words that you would come to our humble settlement."

Cynthia was flabbergasted. She couldn't find the right words to reply with. Why had the old man spoke to her in such polite tone? She stared hard at the short figure in front of her.

He bowed slightly, tipping his hat a little. "I am the head of this fine town, Francis Marlowe." He gestured at one of the townspeople behind him. "I believe this belongs to you."

The townspeople, a young woman, came closer. In her hands was the light purple velvet scarf. She held it out for Cynthia.

"Thank you," Cynthia said, trying to smile. "I really appreciate it."

"Now, have you any interest in joining us this evening for this annual festival?" He offered his hand. "If so, I shall be your guide."

Jardin de Roses 「FIRST ACT: THE LETTER」

"I will be there."

The letter ended with those simple words, written in black ink with a reddish hue.

She folded the paper back into its envelope, taking care not to mess the edges when she inserted it.

She knew the letter was not meant for her, as she just moved into the village two days ago and just spent the first two hours in her new home when the gentleman delivered it.

The intricately designed envelope had melted her conscience. She couldn't subdue the temptation to read it.

She touched the golden lines adorning the seal of the envelope. The sender must be from a noble family, she thought. No mere peasent can afford to use gold in such wasteful way, as normally the envelope will be discarded away after the letter it carried was read.

Intrigued by its beauty, again she slid the letter out and carefully unfold it.

The handwriting was very neat, unlike her more crude one. It was arranged in the loveliest perfection that it appeared to be written by no man's hand. She even compared it to her educated mother's writing, to which she admitted it completely outshined.

Most of the contents were written in a foreign language she couldn't understand, but the last portion detailed a location in English with such precise accuracy. Although she hadn't been there, she could already imagine how that place would look like.

The crackling of the firewoods broke her concentration. Shivering, she crept closer to the fire, both for the heat and light as it was getting dark in the room.

I must return this to the sender, she finally said to herself after a moment of thinking.

Hastily she made her way to her neatly stacked, folded clothes. She grabbed the warmest, most comfortable dress she could find and quickly put it on. A velvet light purple scarf caught her attention, hung across the bedroom, perhaps being left by its previous owner. She grabbed it as well, wrapping it around her naked neck because she had a feeling the night would be a bitterly cold one.

The freezing wind greeted her, kissing her bare cheeks when she stepped outside.

I would require some assistance from the local people if I am to make it to the place before nightfall, she thought.

The sun was slowly disappearing from the deep azure sky, casting a golden red light on the trees surrounding her new home. It gave her the impression of a burning forest.

With a determined heart to help returning the letter, lady Cynthia made her way to the location scribbled on the letter.

I was surrounded with problems lately.

Surrounded so deep until I am unable to sort everything up, and ended as only a pile of unrecognised junks to be done with.

Therefore it is only normal that I stressed out, right?

That is why, a while ago I went to some trusted friends that were available.

I let out everything from my mind, my subconscious. My everything.

They listened, they concentrated, they focused on me when I spoke.

They advised me, they guided me, they told me what should I consider to do.

"You can be a pretty good actor, but once you slip no matter how small the mistake is it is so damn obvious."

"Calm down, slow down. I think you need to breathe deeply. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. Now, where were we?"

"Never run away. I know, sometimes we wish that someone will come and solve the problems for us and we won't have to worry about them anymore. But remember, others have their own sets of problem too."

"Well if it was me, I will take my time to think deeply. Consider how will your action affect the people around you. Ask them what they would think if you do such and such, and also observe them. Learn how they solve their problms. Ask them their ways to cope with stress. The trick is to open up for everyone. Absorb whatever knowledge they have to offer. Of course remember to repay them some other day."

"You need a good night sleep."

"You're sick. GO SLEEP ALREADY!!"

I appreciate the efforts they made to make me feel better.

They said I am quite calm and a bit laid-back but under pressure I will crack.

They said I am pretty self-conscious. That I am pretty uptight. That I can be very very annoying to deal with.

No fear though. I took all the compliments in a good heart (^_^)V

So enough about all these depressing stuffs!

I made a promise to myself, I will listen to jealkb's first album ROSES this afternoon ＼（'。`）

Sing for me, Haderu-tachi!

[EN~BI]

I don't have someone who voices his/her concerns about me ＼（`，'）

So I am a bit envious when my friends were asked, "Are you okay?" （＞＿＜）

I am ashamed to admit that I had neglected my duty as a friend for quite some time.

In fact, a few days ago I lose my calm and kinda entered a semi-hysteric mode.

To those who witnessed that, I am deeply sorry ( / _ ; )/

At that moment I was surrounded with piles of work that need to be done quickly. Combined with lack of sleep, fatigue accumulated and stress..

I promise I won't do it again m(_ _)m

To those who read this please relay my apology to the others.

Also to be noted, please do not add my Facebook acount m(_ _)m

I don't want our 'super-seniors' to find me f(^_^')

We'll just communicate with text messages and online chatting.

Fatal Idolisation 「砂月」

I admit, I do have an idol that can lead me to a very wicked path.

But, why bother? As long as I can refrain myself and grasp at the beauty instead of the negative part.

I am not saying that he himself are wicked. It is just that my feelings toward him that are.

He lead me into this beautiful world, taught me the decadence of the world in the most aesthetic way.

He smiles while he majestically lead his fans slowly to their most cherished fantasies. He is aware that by his mere presence he can make hearts skip a few beats.

He sways among the winds, surrounded by holiness under a moonlit night.

He recites a requiem with a lovely whisper, as if he want the poor souls to leave with his voice ringing within them.

He will continue to illuminate others with his songs that radiate such heartache when listened to.





I will keep an eye for his evolution.

TAOZI「RE-BIRTH」

My previous canary has lost its place in me.

I had to bid it farewell as now it is able to fly.

Right after I let it go, I found another one.

Another little canary, waiting to be nurtured and being fed.

I cannot believe I did not realise her, so close yet escaped my vision.

A pair of wings, not yet sprouting another two, is still pure, untainted.

But I cannot bring myself to reveal my true affection to her.

I have not assorted my thoughts and decipher what my hearts truly want.

So I am not sure if it is true feelings or just idolisation.

A fatal idolisation. One that will drag even one strong individual to a delirious indignified obsession.

That is why I cannot respond accordingly when she circles me, teasing me, toying with me.

As I am still unsure of myself.

She sings, whistles, just to get my attention yet I do not offer anything in return.

Will I be able to put the pieces of puzzle that littered my inner self together?
Will that show exactly what my hearts really wanted?



As ASAGI-sama has whispered, "God knows".

Black or White

Or maybe a shade of gray, perhaps?

Tomorrow the new me will wake up, and today's body will be left behind.

I have high expectations of him and I hope he will be different from what I am today.

All the shades of colours, like the golden leaves during the autumn, will fall down to cover the blemishes on the barren soil.

He will cleanse the previous body with his own hands.

I think I am getting carried out already.. ( - . - ' )

What I am trying to say is, with every morning we wake up we are shedding away some parts of us.

Why can't we remember everything we did yesterday?

Why can't we remember some promises we have made yesterday?

Why can't we remember the colour of the night sky we adored so much yesterday?

We are slowly breaking apart. Cracking, shatters, leaving behind a new, refined form of us.

We are constantly changing. We learn from mistakes and we prefer new things over older stuffs.

This is what being a human is.

We will appear everyday looking different from how we may look like yesterday.

I wish I can record everything so I won't lose anything.


Beauty is only transient, in a flash it will wilt away.

I won't let a beautiful scenery fade away in memories.

Then I can wake up to tomorrow's light anew.

It's mid April...

And it's very very hot D:

Seriously the heat wave here is quite unbearable. I need to maintain the water in the body (- -')/

It has been a long time since I last posted something like this.
It is because I have nothing to share.

All these previous days felt linear.
All we have to do is wake up and move along with the flow around us.
They will take us where we will expect to have something to do.
They will tell us what we need to know.

So they didn't give many interesting new experiences. They were just normal days.

But it is the normal days that we need to keep us healthy.

Lately it was hectic and tiring.

I really really need a long, nice sleep.

[Murasaki no Bara]

It feels like yesterday when I first saw you.

I saw you, dancing and radiating elegance. Amongst even the purest you still stand out very much. Amongst even the beautiful flowers you still stand out very much.

I knew by then I was attracted to you.

But this is not love. Or rather, not the usual sensual and passionate love.

Because, I never wanted you that way.

This is love in its most refined form. Untainted by the malicious thoughts that are always screaming at us.

Now you have fluttered away from my grasp.

There is a voice inside my heart, that always sing and play my favourite melody whenever I am in dire need of one.

Deep inside I knew, it is you. I have kept your every essence and seal it within me so that I won't miss you so much.

It is painful to think that I will never ever feel the warmth of your hand.

It is painful to think that I will never again hear your beautiful voice.

It is painful to think that I will never again bear witness of your beautiful, elegant smile.

I truly miss you.

I love you deeply.

I want to be there with you.

I hope I can see you when I finally begin my journey to the sky.

I just want to be there with you.

I just want to see you now.

TO LOVE ME AND DESPAIR

I wish all those things we have done together are only dreams.

Because each one of them will end in the lovely aquamarine colour.

I am sorry for not being there, feasting on your glorious smile.
Not being there to touch your beautiful dress.
Not being there to leech on your happiness.
Not being there to breathe with you.
Not being there to graze on your lips.

Because in the time you have received my gift I will be gone.

Gone away from the miserable life the merciless heaven has gifted upon me.

An atonement for a sin I haven't proceed to commit yet.

If you have loved me with all your heart, I apologise for leaving you.

It is not without remorse, however. It breaks mine to break yours, so we share the same heart-ache.

When you receive this I can imagine your frail figure tremble. Your fists will tighten and you will try to swallow the grief completely so no one will learn of your loss.

I say just let it all out, cry if you must. You will only hurt yourself by refraining from it.

I wish you will wear the velvet dress I sent you as a wedding dress. I wish you can find a replacement of me, to fill the huge gap I have left in your heart.

I hope you will wear the pendant I have given you just a few days back. The pendant with the crimson ruby embedded on the intricately ormanented silver, the one I always keep next to my heart before I declare you as its next owner.

Heh.

I can't believe so much time has lapsed after we sealed our promises with a kiss.

So it is my time to go.

I am going back to where I came from.

Goodbye.

SHIZUKA

Coursing through my forsaken veins
Weepingly
And from my eyes flow the dark

Sleepingly
The withered body is dancing
To the uneven melody
A song to the endless night

Tenderly
The enshrouding shadow engulfs me
All is about to being lost
And I am unable to bid them farewell

Wouldn't be any better if I stay, right?
I, who don't have any strength left to keep on living
To be forgotten

Brightly
The rays of hope shine on me
But they only hurt my eyes
They fail to invigorate my broken soul

Laughingly
Lovingly
Leniently
I lay down here, waiting

No matter what I try I never seem to go anywhere
I spend so much time only to return to where it all started
I want to escape the untolerable grip of guilt
But it is too late

The pain coursing through my forsaken veins
They flow from my fingertips
Sealing the end of my breathing

Time Is Decadence

I was handed a blade during the night the wind howled.

"That, is a pure blade. The gleaming, beautiful azure you see is the proof. The blade hasn't tasted blood yet it has a terrible thirst to be quenched", the dark one said.

"It needn't to be fed with blood. There are alternatives to satisfy its insatiable... Thirst", said the wise one.

"You two and your blasted beliefs. For all I know you can damn all those and just act freely without fear of opposing your own conscience", said the playful one.

"Try it. Swing it. Listen to the wind, the rustling of the leaves, the snapping of the branches, and moreover, the sound of your own heart-beat. They will tell you how to wield the blade in such a graceful way", said the one with the wisdom.

I unsheathed the blade and let the azure light cut across the dark surroundings.

The voices were not to be heard anymore.

So I closed my eyes and cut them down.

Away from my mind.

Get out of my mind, I shouted to the voices.

Leftovers of foolish mentors that were more businessmen than swordsmen. All were relics of the ancient wars.

The body will learn on its own, that was what my heart told me.

So I cut down anything that obscure my path.

The path that would grant me invincibility.

To be invincible.

Invincible under the Sun.

"KONO SEKAI WA, YUME NO NAI"

Another moth came fluttering by.

And with it another month is slowly crawling to an end.

In the flashing light a year has dropped dead.

I was warped and altered many times.

Within the vortex of living and dying I am endlessly struggling.

Not being trusted anymore, and every single word escaped my lips is regarded as sin.

Will I survive this time?

As I watch the sun rising and setting I can feel my heart weakening.

My strength is all but gone.

That is why, I doubted I can witness tomorrow's sunrise.

But, the most important part is I am still here for now.

I am not afraid of leaving this malice-tainted world.

I am not afraid, because as I am now I am already hunted down.

But I will choose to face death, not running away and hiding.

Such is the way he die.

LAVATIC FUNERAL

It's beautiful
The moment you lay me down and say goodbye
I am seeing you through a glazed pair of eyes

Needing you
Wanting to be with you
Do you realise such words are breaking me from the inside?

I am not the helpless body you cried for
I am not the limp hands that are unable to embrace you
I am always beside you

A vision to the future is now blurred
So wipe all your tears yourself and wake up from the endless sorrow
I am only sorry I can't do it myself

I am not the withering veins you are seeing
I am not the decaying entity laid down before you
I am always beside you

So seal me inside our Mother
I will find you if I am able to wake up
Someday I will show you once again
The brilliant glorious dream

INCENCE

The mischievous flickering flame
A symbol for hope
but not here

Another burning inflicted
I am slowly dying
Just for a temporary peace

In the end he whispers "You Have Soul"
And discards my remains

A burst of dark flame
Engulfing my already pitiful self
I can't cry, I can't move
Only waiting until my final combustion

If he stops my burning
He will whisper "Rest For Now"
But not today

A dark flame, enslaving my empty mind
Will he unlit my agony with a manic laugh?
My will is not going to yield
As opposed to this crumbling body of mine

He watches me dying
And through a lamentful smile he whispers
"You Have Soul"

NAGAI NO CURSE

I am in confusion.

She is just beyond these walls.

Why can't she see me?

Simple, because I don't want to be seen.

And why don't I want to be seen?

That I don't know.

I am hurt seeing her talking to another person.

Another person with a warm, beating heart.

Whilst mine has long been cold and frozen.

She is dangerously attracting.

If I hadn't refrained myself that night I would be sleeping deep in that catacomb.

She is going outside.

Like a predator I follow her stealthily.

She is heading towards the moon.

Weird, there is nothing there but a barren hill with a dying tree.

She stands before the tree and turns around.

"It's okay. You can come out now."

I freeze.

"Yes my dearest Sir, I can sense you nearby."

I come out from the shadows that have cloaked me.

I feel vulnerable, with the pale moonlight shines on me.

"My Sir, dearest Sir, have you not forgotten?"

"Of all the fairest maidens you have you have picked me?"

I don't want this conversation.

"Answer me Sir, why have I attracted you?"

I don't want this conversation.

So I turn my back on her and walk away.

I can hear her footsteps, moving to stop me.

So I leap as far as I can and leave her far behind.

I am so sorry, my dear Lilia.

I don't want you to know that I have feelings for you.

So I will keep on loving you from the shadows.

TAOZI

There is one canary I totally adore so much.

It is one of my closest friend. It listens to me when I speak, and replies with the same passion I use to talk with it.

It is just that I am starting to fear that canary.

What if I get attached to it so much?

What if it someday decided to leave me?

My sweet canary, one I nurture and feed more than I feed myself.

It would hurt me so much if you leave me someday.

I only want you to be mine always.

Do not wander around and make new acquaintances.

Sing only for me. Refrain from letting others know how sweet your voice truly is.

But keeping you caged for all your life is also painful for me.

You won't be able to spread those seraphic wings proudly in that confined space.

So I will let you go, someday.

And I won't go look for you anymore.

Mon Petit

I'm not dead.

Well, I have some problems to be fixed so in the meantime I won't be active, YET.

Soooooooo I am gonna be gone til all these stuffs are already fixed. Therefore dear Vincent and ex-MIRU, AkiMiru will be on hiatus for a while. Do not miss me much okay? :P

I will still be composing some pieces but it's not going well.

In fact I think I will learn how to write lyrics properly and hopefully an instrument.


An autistic lavender
Wilt not but by the cold
of the maiden
Might this not the last
I will outgrow even the rose

LAIZU

It is a prelude, for a year I don't think I am ready yet.

Come to think about it, 2009...

...was quite troublesome. =)

True. A lot of things happened. Most of them were not very entertaining but, yeah.

I was hanging around at one particular shopping complex, and I had absolutely no idea HOW my shoelaces became undone. One PARTICULAR FRIEND stepped on it and I ended up crashing into one of the massive pillars there. Ah, so undignified.

I was caught reading someone's diary out aloud in front of my gang. Earpull.

...what? Can't I have some fun?

Next, a friend read my palm and told me she saw that my self-confidence was, at that moment, at negative.

I was introduced into kendo. During a training session, I accidentally hit my SUPER senior and got whacked across the abdomen for that.

At this moment I am in my resting place, watching the sunrise.

But I think it is too cloudy today. Grrr...

Last year I stumbled upon a problem, where someone tried to copy me.

Wait, scratch that. 'Copy-and-paste' me.

He posed quite a problem, but he's learned his lessons.

He should not be a threat if he once again tried to do that.




"The lovely butterfly
has escaped the cocoon of mortality,
yet I am still here,
longing for its voice"