Tripped and falling down. A familiar motion embedded in the muscle memory. Thrown the arms forward to break the fall, a reflex honed by time.

Bloodied nose, a metallic taste in my mouth. Withholding the urge to throw up.

I am not that weak. I am not this weak.

I am still here, in the white room. I am still cradling on the past that I wanted to discard a long time ago. It's been months, and I still have to cater to the stray thoughts about something I am supposed to forget.

I hate it, I hate it. These negative words keep on haunting, dangling on the tip of my tongue. They want me to say them out loud.

People I know don't need to be burdened any further. If I show them my weaknesses, they will be disillusioned and keep their distance from me. Them and their assumption. Once they know that I am not as the one they thought I should be, they'll admonish and starts to hate.

I am not dreaming, right? I am living in this reality, even  when I do not wish for it. I am given a chance, and still am finding my true purpose here. It can't be just to merely spread my seed. It can't be.

No. It can't be.

Here, it just rains a little bit. Mosquitoes spring to life and begin to hound us the larger creatures. The black cat struggles from the bites and is trying to find some comfort in my room. I am sorry that I can't do much for you.

And here I am, facing many work and ending up procrastinating. I maim my responsibilities and throw away people's hope that I will finish up the job.

Now I am gnawing on the last thread that connects me to the outside world, desperately trying to cut off the link between my world and the outside world. I am running away yet again.

No one understands me. No one should understand me.

I was wrong before, and there will always be someone that understand. Entrapped in grief, I wasn't even able to see clearly. All I saw, at that time, were past memories and crossroads where what I said and did would led to different situations.

My chest aches yet again, and I know I should stop reminiscing right now. However, in front of this torrent of emotions, I am powerless.