When the hand that is supposed to hold yours and helps you move forward is also corrupted by the faults from the outside world, it is going to be a lonely reality.

I might falter, every now and then, and everyone keeps pushing their problems into me. While I am here sorting out my thoughts, they come and lay stacks and stacks of their own.

Here, come look at this.
Now, help me.

It makes me want to escape. Cultivate the demon again. A demon to repel others. I feel like I am being dragged here and there, leaving small pieces of myself along the trail, which will then be swept by the breeze. Far, far away, where I won't look when I am gathering the fragments to become whole again.

Disillusioned, once people know how I truly am, they start hating. When you are not as what people expect you to be, they become angry. Angry that their assumption has been proven wrong. A world that they perceive, woven from their own incomplete conclusion, shattered when they see the cultivated demon. Only then they begin to see the real person, however this time their eyes are clouded with contempt.

Being proven wrong does not sit well with a lot of people. It is like a splinter, stuck in the crevice of the heart, the folds normally unreachable, digging deeper and deeper until it reaches the core. When it does, the ache starts, and when we cannot remove the source of the pain, we start to feel anxious. Driven desperate. With every steady beating of the heart comes the throbbing pain. Ebbing away with every second passing, and eventually return crashing like the waves on the beach. Looping for the next few hours, and the nerves that has been on the edge will burst. Agony kicks in, and instability descends. Cursing, desperately looking for comfort, and when it is denied, suspicions intensifies. Everyone is going against you, you think. Everyone is an enemy, and enemies are not to be hold close. Paranoia, anxiety, mixed together in a concoction of madness, which seeps into the veins and being pumped around along the veins.

Caught in a bad time. A relaxation turns into chores, another path to hate anything that you used to like.

When someone else wants to crash at your place for a while, offering gifts of gold and warmth, who can resist? However, when that person starts to demand things as payment, that is when things turn sour.

Maybe you are not expecting anything from others. That's why you feel like people are a burden instead.

Expectations are stupid. It makes you judgmental, and see within people the roles that you want them to fulfill. For example, the girl sitting next to you in class. In your mind, she would be the smart one who knows when to be quiet and when to ask question during lectures. A totally normal girl, who won't see you as potential spouse. A girl who won't crack her knuckles every now and then, and when speaking, she won't breathe down your neck.

How wrong you can be.

Now finding every reason to slip her presence into your life, she now pursues you diligently, like a shepherd tending to their life-stock, looking after what you do and making sure you are not going out of her predetermined route she lays out for you.

Another one, who is persistent enough to accommodate you whenever he can. In return, you are to follow his lead, neck tied to a leash wrapped around his hand. A hospitality that is unneeded, yet it is shoved down your throat like you ever need it. Dragging people around, shouting here and there, creating troubles even when the situations do not allow them (not that troubles are ever, ever needed in the first place). When everything falls apart, he sits down and ponder what has gone wrong while turning a blind eye to whatever idiocy he has committed.

You expected him to keep his shit to himself, but instead he throws them around, making splatters wherever he goes, creating ruckus and inviting conflicts.

I am tired. This tiny community is getting on my nerves a lot right now. Maybe it is time to go lock myself up again. Until the time where I miss the interactions between me and outside people.

Yeah, I will do that for now. Right after I clean up the mess that others pile on me.