Something Ever After

Hi future me. It's been  a while.

For some reason, I feel reluctant to write more about the Japan trip. It's one of those thing, you know. The kind of memory that is better left unsaid, because saying them out loud dissipates a bit of the magic within, like a magician's trick that has been explained in detail.

Do you know who I just saw today? At the lake close to our home?

It's the one who used to occupy a vast expense of our heart.

How do I feel afterwards? I am trying to silence the gushing thoughts that are still racing in my head as of now. I keep reminding myself to breathe slowly now and then, but whenever I recall the brief encounter again, those thoughts intrude yet again.

Maybe writing it down will calm them. Who knows? This is the kind of memory that I want to lose its magic, even a little.

I want to break down, or I want to keep a steady mind. It's these kind of thoughts, ones that seem to be mutually exclusive, trying to overlap and smother the other, that keep popping now and then. There's the need to scream out loud, and there's the need to analyze these thoughts serenely. There's a need to go out and run, and there's the need to just stay put to better understand myself. These kinds of conflicting thoughts are plaguing me at this moment.

This is a kind of paralysis, and I don't know which one to calmly unpack, observe, re-pack and and send it away. I'll begin by listing them out.

Guilt. There is still a semblance of guilt within me. I thought I have forgiven myself, but that short encounter brings forth a sensation of heaviness within my chest. So I still feel guilty, that's the verdict, but why? This is because I know the extent of my fault, the specific ones that brought forth the cracks within the bond that I cherished. I do realize that the other party is not completely guiltless, but the things I have committed to ruin everything are still there, hidden inside a black box in my mind, just waiting for the right moment to gush its contents out like a jack.

Confusion. I dislike surprises, and that encounter does caught me off-guard. And when I'm off-guard, I feel defenseless. In that state, I am completely exposed and I might make no effort to conceal anything. My words come out unfiltered, and emotions contort my face more readily. I hate that. I dislike showing my emotions out.

Regret. If the circumstances of the past were kinder to us, we might still be within each other's reach whenever we want. I keep thinking of what-ifs and what could've been, even now on occasions. Sometimes I dream of possible futures in the past, with characters who are composites of people who I know. The ones I feel strongly to, their characters tend to be purer and untainted by others, meaning they resemble themselves even more, at least them who I think I know.

Sorrow. It could've been better. That's one slip that will continue to haunt me until my final second.

Wonder. How's life without me? Since we cut each other out from our stories, I've been living like a drone. Collect pollen, make honey, guard the entrance until I die. Only recently I notice that living like that is not what I want.

Am I calm by now? I think so. There's a throbbing at the back of my head, usually a sign that I need to slow down. Both mentally and physically. Don't stress myself out.

A tear comes out. It's been a while. And I thought I've hardened myself, making myself tough, immune to feelings like this? Why did I do that? It's by my own volition. I'm shaking. Heart's beating at a pace faster than usual, but slow enough to not cause alarm. I feel feverish. Something's lodged in my trachea, and no amount of water can make it pass down. I'm listening to a song by my favorite band in an attempt to tune myself out, to ignore these racing thoughts. Is it working? Well, if it does, I won't be still writing this.

This might be a cry for help. I feel so lonely fighting this all by my own, but I know that this is something I have to deal with myself in order to finally escape the grip of the past. I am still within a bubble in time, stuck in a tiny whirlpool, unable to move ahead unlike the others. I have made considerable progress, however. I know it, but still the mistakes shadow me.

I'm tired of having these rush of thoughts. When I close my eyes and take a deep breathe, my mind's a blank state temporarily and when I open my eyes, they come back stronger, like the waves that crash onto the sandy beach.

This isn't working as much as I want it to be. I am still being plagued by the thoughts that I don't want. So let's talk about something else.

Let's talk about the things that I want to do, instead. That way, I can keep these dark thoughts away and occupy myself.

I want to to be free from these binds. I want to travel more, expanding my horizons. I wish that I can gain enough courage to step outside of my comfort zone. The things I want to do? I want to learn how to cook better. I want to be able to fix someone a meal that is not simple and to hear them praise how good it is. I want to be able to proudly pull out a book and say that it's one of my works that's been published. I want to have a deep heart-to-heart conversation with someone, to let myself bare and piece my true self bit by bit with their help and in return, I'll help them do the same, if they so desire.

In a perfect world, I want to let myself a hostage to fate, to be so helplessly swept by the happy ever after with the ones that I love, to have reach the peak of my dreams and not leaving any regret behind unsolved. I want to be able to wake up without fear of facing the day, to be able to confront it head to head without the need to fake cheerfulness, to be free to pursue the things I want instead of doing things I don't want just for a shot to get the things I truly desire. I want to be free of these thoughts, these parallel thoughts that seem to be at constant war with each other. It's exhausting, to be in possession of them, that I sometimes wish that I will not wake up at all.

There's something in the ever after. I just have to believe in that. Even if it seems so far away, and I am grasping at fading light, I want to believe. I'm filling my room with the scent of lemon, as it's a smell that I really like, just to remind myself that if I am to sign out from this life, I won't be able to enjoy it anymore.

I'm desperate, and I'm calling out for help. I want to live, the way I see a proper living should be. My back's on the wall, and I am willing to push myself against it to force me to move ahead.

Remember the pain, and recall the gain. Perhaps you'll see the end of this tunnel. Hear the raindrops, see the morning light. Go for the sunset, and when you're there, seek the sunrise again.

I beg you, future self. Don't fall apart. Stay here.