陽炎

Saying goodbyes, once again.

Dreamed of you once again, and it was the trigger.

Now everywhere I go, I see your shadow. More and more, it's getting stronger.

Re-reading past entries, and wishing that all will just end once again. Why am I still bound to you? Why do I still have to cater to these thoughts of you, even when we are not together anymore?

Explaining things is never my strong point, and I prefer to mumble my words in the middle of it. I am not a person that I was four to five years ago. That person is much better than I am currently.

Re-routing those thoughts into other things that I enjoy. I find a brief peace in doing so, but I then remember that the one thing I am focusing now is already tainted with your touch.

I am imprisoned inside my head, and I thought that the shackle around my legs weren't mine. I am the one that is responsible in putting it there.

I don't want to sleep now. I do not want to see you now. Dreams lately are pleasant, without my guilt interfering, and yesterday's tormented me. Waking up to an aching chest, there was this sharp, piercing pain throbbing against my rib-cage.

Listening to Tomoko's voice right now. Only to remember that you used to like her as a one-time role model. I wanted to stop the music, but running away is useless. Until when am I supposed to abandon the things that I like, just because it is associated with you?

Idle at night, not sleepy yet. I go out to see the night sky. It is cold, but I don't feel any wind. The cigarette pack in my pocket contains only one, and I am fighting the urge to light it up. Not that I am addicted, but I am punishing myself for being like this today, by refraining the pleasure of this cancerous stick.

It has been so long since I contacted my old best friends, and even now I feel guilty for not doing so. Will it be better to fade away and just leave them with good memories of me instead of showing them my current self that is riddled with filth?

I know them, though. Two will listen to my troubles and one will offer advice. One will just listen attentively and try to relate my predicaments with his own and figure out the best way for me to tackle this.

"Cry," one of them said to me many years ago. "Even we males need to cry every now and then. It makes us realize that we are weak, and by being weak, we will know that there are some things that aren't meant to be."

A very passive outlook of life. Instead of fighting over and over again to achieve what we want, accepting that it is over is much easier.

Conflicts are ugly, and I wish that it is over even when it has not started yet. I am a pacifist, and I hate confrontation. I joined Kendo because it teaches me to tame my desire to step on others and learn to respect one another regardless of ranks. Taking up the sword to spar is much better than swinging it to cleave flesh.

I am not sleeping now. All for the best. I need a distraction, and the guitar looks like a good option for it.