灰色の雲

I wasn't able to sleep last night.

It seems like I really need to recover some of the habits that I developed during my high school days. I used to really like mornings, and especially loved watching the sunrise before studying. I would be in school around 6 a.m. or so, and had a few hours for myself before other students come. I was really attached to a certain spot at school, a place where people rarely go to on the early hours, and from there I had a very good vantage point. I would spend some time sky-watching and listening to music, and I would forget about a lot of things that troubled me.

Today, there is no spectacular sunrise. It is cloudy this morning, and the wind is cool. I like this weather, though. Like most people in this tropical country, I tend to prefer rainy days over bright, cheerful mornings. It is as if we are sick of the sunlight, wishing that for one whole day it would just be dawn.

I feel really sleepy, but I cannot go to bed now. I have to fix my sleep cycle, and lately it is very messed up. A few days ago, I slept for a total of 13 hours for no real reason. And that was before I was sick.

There is another matter at hand, however. In being alone for quite some time, living without a safety net after a few months, I realise that I actually don't need it to survive. I can make my life work even without a fall-back plan, and I do not need to confide to one person only. Different people offer different advice, and their perspective differ so much that at times it seem like they are talking about another topic.

Then there's a matter of people whom I confided in and suddenly is gone, as if I revealed too much of myself and now they are afraid of me. I mustn't open up too much in a short period of time, and so are other people.

I can do well by myself, and just a few months ago I felt that I would not survive in being alone in this world. I was wrong, then.

We can live by ourselves, but to live better, we need others as well.

So, here ends the rambling of a person so sleepy that he is seeing doubles. Maybe I can catch a quick nap or something.