指先

The hardest part of forgetting someone is not the heartache it caused.

The hardest part is trying to mend your wounds and feel betrayed while doing so.

As such, I myself is seething with anger and sorrow at the same time. It is a maddening mixture. These two emotions that are linked together with the same tether, they have make me think of bizarre things.

I cannot think clearly without that person popping into my mind. To be truthful, that person is always somewhere there, no matter what I am doing, no matter how small.

Therefore, to be accused that  I am chasing some new flames constantly... It is really something that I didn't expect from someone that I entrust my weaknesses with. I confided a lot of things, things that I don't dare tell anyone else, show emotions that I don't let others see from me, affections that I never share with anyone else.

I just can't understand why. I know the reason, the drive in that single moment when that person decided to sever the ties to me forever. However, I don't understand why.

How can we be so protective and cruel at the same time?

The reason given is that that person doesn't want to hurt me anymore. The answer I give is because that person is hurting me by neglecting. Why can't give more time for me, when you were able to do so when I was disappointed?

Honestly, I feel like shit.

It is pretty convenient, isn't it? You dropped the bomb when it become apparent that someone else is ready to accept you into their life. Am I just a back-up plan? Just in case you get broken, you would have me to nuzzle you back to full health.

Doesn't that sound familiar? I know it is. Back then, you used to like someone. Then I heard he didn't return back your affections. You continue to hate him until now.

After that, you seemed to focus on me.

Am I really something akin to a toilet paper to everyone? To rip me to small, manageable pieces and use me to wipe your ass? I am not admitting it, though.

Why? Am I that vulnerable? Am I that easy to manipulate? No matter how stoic, how heartless I seem at times, I am still a human being. I still have emotions and necessities. I had something before, I had a dream but it is cruelly taken away from me.

I am now incomplete. Two huge chapters in the book being cut away. No matter how beautiful the ending will be, if you cannot read the whole story, it is quite pointless.

I am so sad that I might cry anytime. I am so angry that I might snap anytime. I am so afraid that if I do lose my self-control, I will hurt others, but when being alone, I cannot help but think of the past yet again.

Like a hedgehog demanding a hug. Like a hedgehog who feels lonely. Like a hedgehog that pulls off its quills to be able to be with another.

It is truly a dilemma. I am constantly on the verge of exploding, but a different kind of hurt will reach me when I don't have anyone else next to me. I am selfish, I demand people to tend to me, but refuse to offer much comfort in return.

I like to be obsessed on, but I will not obsess over you in return. At least, not in the open. Unlike some people, I often refuse to show my affections out loud. I won't kiss you in public. I won't hug you whenever you requested me to if we can be seen by others. I won't hold your hands unless we can hide them somehow. I won't say that I miss you in front of your friends. I won't say I love you in front of my friends.

It is stupid, right? Of all those things that I refrained to show others, I somehow managed to convince you that I don't have any feelings to you anymore.

Those things I refrained to do, I treat them as special kind of affections and interactions. I don't think other people deserve to see it. I'd like to think that I am saving all those things for you, until the time has come and we are able to fully consummate our love without worry and scorn.

I wouldn't mind living a short life with you, but without you, I want to live an eternity, so that I can mull over the memories when we were happier forever.

The sky is limitless, and we are but scrapping only the lowest of the layers. Rainy days never stay, but for one moment back then, I thought that it is possible. Even if the world is against me, I'd like to think that you would still back me up. Even if I made an enemy of everyone, I'd like to think that I still have an ally in you.

Never in my wildest dream the thought of you becoming someone else. I don't know you, and you don't know me anymore. We are just strangers now.

Rain is over, and it's time to say goodbye. Over and over again, I keep repeating my pledge but I know that I will still break it anyways. So why waste an effort in reciting them, then?

I recite them to obtain hope. I have hope for tomorrow. I still have faith that a day will come again, where I can shed all my worries and anxieties and fall into a warm embrace.

You urge me to move on. You take on the mantle of a mother and I am just a child. You preach that God still have something in store for me.

Do you believe that?

You take a mask and wear it while we talked over the phone. You were someone else, you were not the one that I desired before. You were a stranger, and the phone call was just something you took as a duty. You were like a doctor that announced that the patient has died. You show sympathy, but in the end, it's just work. Nothing more, nothing less.

I am crushed. I feel betrayed. But that is really nothing to worry about, right? After all, the wound you have is much deeper. The wound that I inflicted, right? Hurting others because they are hurting you is something childish, something stupid. You cut me, I cut you back. You love another, I love another as well.

I know, I sound like a hypocrite right now, isn't it? But let's take a step back and see the world as a whole, instead of focusing only on the ones we fancy.

We are nothing but a huge ball of walking, breathing hypocrites. We say we believe in this and that, but secretly we doubt them. We say we love this and that, but one day we will find ourselves able to throw away those things.

We are complete, but we are also incomplete at the same time. We are imperfect, but because of that, we are also perfect. Why is that? We lie to protect, but we also lie to hurt. We say things honestly to please people, but we also say things honestly to crush people's hope.

I am a specimen. Not a nice kind, but a damn fine one. I am a contradiction, just like everyone else. I am weird, just like others. I am happy when we have a fine weather, but I am most pleased if it rains lightly the whole day. I like to read and listen to music, but a lot of those are being either borrowed from someone or given to me. I am stingy, but won't hesitate to hand over my belongings if it is required for me to do so.

Why is the sky getting clearer right now? I want to soak in the filtered light from the clouds, and bask in the cold wind. I am just getting warmed up, so why are you leaving me now? Come back, and make it rain once more.

But this time, let it rain forever.