It was as if I was expecting that person to be there. Just for a moment there, I thought I would be able to see a vision of her.
I am slowly turning back to the same point of breaking. I wonder why. Perhaps it is related to the materials that I needed to look through at that library.
Because the last time we met was during her brother's wedding, I have developed a strong distaste for weddings or something that remotely related to them, which is bad since I am given an assignment regarding those. I try my best to not attend any weddings, and that makes me seem like a bad person. Probably I am, I am wondering why do they deserve to be happy with their beloved when I lost mine not too long ago.
Why is life too unfair? My heart feels like it's being shredded to tiny pieces every time I see two people happily sharing a warm moment together. It makes me feel like screaming at them, telling them that that moment will pass, and someday they will hate each other, even if they are already tied in an exchange of vows. I don't know how many times I have to look away after seeing couples walking around freely without caring about the world. This tear-duct of mine never cease to fail me at crucial times.
Back at home, I will do my best to appear cheerful, since being sad will make my mother sad, and that is what I hate the most for now. I do not want to make her sad anymore. She has gone through too much in her life and I do not want to be another burden she needs to keep carrying.
Acting happy while you are having a turmoil inside is not an easy thing to do, but when I am putting on the mask of a good son, I sometimes fool myself that I am actually happy. I will forget about everything that make me miserable and lonely, and will find myself laughing at every single jokes this family throws around, no matter how bad it is. Late at night, however, when I don't have to pretend anymore, I would feel even more pathetic than before. Late at night is when I am alone, and being alone means I have time to conjure the things from the past involuntarily.
The headaches are getting frequent now, and I worry about my health. It might be purely psychological, but it could also be worse. I have explained this to the family, but they say it's due to the lack of sleep. I should sleep more and by sleeping, I would feel much better afterwards.
I do not think it is my fault that I am currently battling against insomnia right now. When I asked to be brought to someone that can help (psychiatrist perhaps), they say the reason for going is too lame. It is too embarrassing for them, they say. how would they say that this damaged psyche of mine is due to heart-break? And being mentally-ill is also the source of stigma in this shallow-minded society of mine, and words spread faster than the flames in a windy day.
Since the first son has already failed, now all hope is passed to me for now, the second child, the second son. I am expected to be of full health and not having problems, since I am to take the mantle of the main breadwinner of this family if all else fails. The future is quite bleak, and every single member of this family is already showing signs of breaking, if not being broken already. I am sick of acting like I am not sick, and smiling even when I am struggling not to smash all things I see to pieces from pent-up frustrations and stress.
Yeah, I am still not getting over this. Still not getting over her. I feel sad, I miss her, but I also feel angry and betrayed. This negative mindset of mine is really depressing, and I wish I can just cut away all the bad things from my brain and be someone new the next day instantly. Some of my friends have sensed that I am having a tough time, but only a handful actually reached out to help me. I can't blame them. I always draw a clear, harsh line for them to remember that I do not like having my personal difficulties probed and questioned. I have laid down the boundaries, and they obey it completely.
There is this other girl I keep in contact with, and it does seem like she's doing that to keep my mind off the negative thoughts. I do not know whether to keep this facade going or not, since it feels like she'll blame herself if I am not happy. I am pretending to be happy to keep other happy, and that makes me feel even more pathetic. Why am I always putting others before myself? Why can't I be more direct with my feelings like before? Even when knowing that doing that will hurt them? I pretend not to see the hints, because I am afraid of making her the scapegoat for me to escape this loneliness. My thoughts at the current is impure, and I do not know how would we end up if we continue this pretense even further. Sooner or later, we will part ways, and it is a terrifying echo of what spurred the beginning of my previous relationship. I do not want to go through that ordeal again, and I have absolutely no reason to put another person in it. I do not know if I am even capable of letting someone else into this tiny bubble I created around myself. It feels too painful to let someone else too close to me, because that would mean me putting my absolute faith in them to not become someone else's. I did that, and it became my undoing. Now I am just someone that is a mere shadow of my past self, a mangled person that is constantly plagued with guilt.
I am plagued with guilt, because I feel I have manipulated her before. I knew that she had some feelings for me, and I used that to exact vengeance on someone. I think I have orchestrated a tragedy for her to soften her up, and then swoop down to become the knight in shining armor to rescue her from the land of woe. I am a sick person to have think of that. I wonder if I truly felt nothing when I toyed with her feelings at that time. The more I think of it, the more I am sure that at that time, I felt what I did was the right thing.
I have doubts on myself now. I didn't think I am able to hurt someone like that, but it seems like I truly have the capacity to do so. I am no angel. I am not a kind person like what others tend to perceive me. I can be cruel at times as well, and feel nothing as I hurt them. I am afraid of myself, even. I feel like I am having two vastly different sides of me. It is not like I am claiming that I have split personalities or something. It is more like I have two different sets of thought patterns, and I am prone to switching between them when I am in great distress or in need on something so badly.
Even now, alone in my dim room, I keep on replaying the conversations I used to have. I locked away all the things that reminded me of the past relationship, but I haven't filled up all the vacant places with my own things. I've took out the picture in my wallet two months ago, and put a picture of a six-year old me in its place. In that picture, I was making the 'peace' sign while having this unreadable expression on my face. I wasn't even looking at the camera that time, and that makes me wonder what I was looking at.
Being like this is truly depressing, but due to the stigma associated with admitting that we are depressed, I am forced to keep silent. I am keeping silent to protect the family name from further tarnish, and is splintering daily, little by little. Maybe if I ended up too broken, this family will start to see what fault they have done. At that time, it will be too late though. I am needed to be reliable, while what I need is someone to tell me everything's going to be okay.
I remember asking for advice from a close friend. He said when things get tough, cry. By crying, we are admitting that we are weak, even if we are men. By admitting that we are weak, we will be able to comprehend that there are some things that we can't change, and we will have to learn to accept it.
I withheld my tears at that wedding months ago when I saw her, because she said she didn't like to see me crying. I complied, and pretended that I was the carefree boyfriend that she was supposed to have. I carried out all the tasks given by her family during the ceremony, all the time her first real words to me kept on replaying in my head.
"Yeah... They still think we are together."
I was puzzled. Why was I even invited at that time when she made it clear that we weren't supposed to be together? We lied to everyone, to both sides of the family and for what?
I am tired, but I still can't sleep. It would be easy for me to OD myself, but I need to show her that I am not a coward. I won't take an easy way out. I will show her that she was wrong in leaving me, and maybe at that time, I will be able to find my true self.
My true self that I have thrown away when I pledged myself to her years ago. When we agreed to be tied to the same thread, we lost our ego boundaries and became one being that shared the same container for our consciousness. Now that we are separated, I need to create another container to put this damaged psyche of mine.
I shall lock it away, and I hope that I will not end up broken once again
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