That's right.
僕の夢を見つけた。
I found my dream.
It is quite unusual, though. For someone like me to have that kind of dream, at my age.
I realize this when I was talking about this certain video game with a friend. We were showing each other's customized characters and the mods we installed for the game. Then, I don't know why but I had the desire to show my in-game house and family.
On a side note, I never thought I would be attracted to that kind of game at first. Playing an RPG like that is something I would avoid before. But a certain someone suggested me the game and I was sold.
Continuing the story, I showed the house near the lake and the surroundings, and also the two children I adopted in the game. When I did, I was asked a question that is quite similar to the one asked by a certain someone months ago.
"You have two daughters?"
At first, I was puzzled. Is it that weird adopting two daughters? After all, it is nothing more than a simulated reality, right? I gave it some thoughts for the rest of the day. Why am I being questioned for that, twice?
So I started to think more and more. What is the main reason I started playing that game? Is it just for the fun factor? But then, I barely do any quests and ends up wandering around randomly in the game world. That, in itself, is a fun thing to do. It feels like I am really exploring a vast, unknown world whenever I play.
I notice that I chose a place that is quite far away from any civilization to build my in-game house. It is not unlike the place where I would like to live one day, in reality; someplace where nature is much more abundant, a place so quiet and silent. I built the in-game house near a lake, because I really like the view from there. There is a mountain so high that the peak is obscured by clouds nearby, and I'd take a few moments to climb it up just so I can look down and adore how small things look like when you are so high up.
So why daughters?
For that, I think I need to explain a little bit on my way of seeing other people.
I do not know why, but I tend to like to think that everyone I meet as being genderless at first. I am aware of this, but I neglect to explain to other people because it seems like a harmless thing to do. However, one thing I know is that I have this feeling toward males. It is something close to hatred, but not so intense. I do not know why. I think that even if I die, and is somehow being reborn as a female, I would still like females.
I would treat people as genderless at first, and wait until I know them better. After that, I would start associating them with genders. Before I know it, I would begin to think of them as males and females. It is akin to an automatic response, and I would not even realize when I start doing so.
There are a number of female friends that I subconsciously thought of being males, and there are also some number of male friends that I thought of being females. It is not based on how they act, however. It is more toward how they interact with me.
But there are some friends that I still consider as being genderless, though. These friends are the ones that I trust so much, because I think that by being genderless, they won't be affected by our natural impulses and won't secretly try to fuck you, literally. Almost all the people that I associated with being genderless are males in reality.
To those friends that I associate with the male gender, I tend to treat them casually, like it is just a business. No affections, no intimate relations, we are just there to conduct something and when we are done, there is no need for further interactions.
To those friends I treat as females, I treat them with care and like to think that they are easily wounded by words alone. I would think twice before saying anything, and keep my distance from them out of respect. I would only approach when I sense that I need to do so, and is able to.
Of course, this is pretty much impossible, we are each assigned a gender and need to play our part, but what I meant by being genderless, being male and being female is more on the state of mind rather than physically.
Out of these three classifications, I notice that I really favor the females. Maybe this is because of my inherent gender, or something else that I don't understand yet. It is like some sort of tier system; males come after genderless, and females precede everything else. There are times when I ignore his, though, particularly if I feel wronged by someone. By then, I wouldn't care if they are females or not.
I know that I do not make much sense. I even feel that I am not doing a good job explaining this, but I am doing my best so please bear with it.
Now back to the main point of this post, where I was asked why I have two daughters instead of sons or one son and one daughter in the game.
Perhaps that is something that indicates that I am yearning for a family of my own.
My family now, or my father's family, is far from perfect. We have faults here and there, but they are still part of me. We are still required to act as if we are a perfect family for the sake of the other two male members, but deep inside, we are quite tired of it already.
My dream of a life involved in medical field, it was shattered already. I failed to achieve that. I know that. It is too late to change that. When I learned of this, time stopped flowing for me. It is like I am encased in some kind of bubble that contains its own clock, in which the hands are permanently fixed at 7 o'clock at night.
So for now, I'd like to think that I have found a new dream. I won't rush to achieve it, though. I will let the chance to realize it to come by on its own. Until then, I will prepare myself and work even harder day by day.
你說你也會難過我不相信
So for now, I will try to forget,
and learn to let you go.
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