I was asked if right now someone would like to enter my life like how those other previous two did, how would I react? I'd say not now, although I have no privilege to choose my partner. I still can't bear the thought of sharing a personal space with another person right now. Besides, I am very different from who I am years ago, in terms of physicality. Attributing to the accumulated stress, the changing hormones and altered body chemistry due to something I take, I am now reaching nearly double my body weight than four years ago. Though I need to mention, back then I was borderline underweight.
For now, I am regulating my food intake and conduct daily exercises to shed down a few kilogram. It isn't easy to do, but I try.
Had I still be with another, I don't think I can have the time to do it. I like to wait for that other person, and can keep waiting for a long time but cannot guarantee I would be happy to do so. While waiting, I won't have the mood to do anything else and even if I do, I would do it half-halfheartedly.
Now that I am free of the oath that bound the two of us together, I can get some precious moments for my own.
The routines I adhere to are pretty simple. Interval exercises every Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday; body weight training on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. So far, there aren't any noticeable changes, but I feel much better knowing that I am actually doing something to change myself.
Also, I have taken it to myself to play musical instruments. This is done to differentiate the old me and the one I am right now. It is to make me further detached from the past and fill my head with other thoughts instead of failed relationships and happier memories that hurt. For now, I am learning to play the guitar I bought last year. I still have much to do, but I am deeply enjoying it. I'll give myself a few more months to focus on it, then I will move over to piano/keyboard once again. I self-taught myself how to play back then, but never took my time to polish my skills. So I'll just start over from the very beginning.
I am trying hard to re-create an image of myself that satisfy me, because I had lived a few years trying to fit in the image of a perfect life companion for a certain someone. I succeeded in some parts, but that's it. There's a limit to what I can do, and due to that, I was left alone in the end. It is not entirely her fault, and I don't blame her for doing it. If you need to spend the rest of your life with someone, you have the rights to be picky and discard the ones you aren't happy with.
Having a lot of free time also give me time to bond with my family members further. Had I not bother to do so, I won't find out that even in all her perfect exteriors, my sister still have her own insecurities. I never bothered to learn how difficult it is to maintain a healthy relationship with friends when you need to spend a lot of hours working daily, until I saw how my brother and his best friend conversed a few days ago. I talk, and learn something new about them every now and then.
If only I can stay positive like today for weeks to come, I know I will be able to leave this pain of abandonment behind for good. I say abandonment because I lack the right vocabulary to describe it, but I meant it in a good way. Everyone needs to move on at a certain point in their life, and she had done that. She is tired of being stationary and looking at the same scenery as she did for three years, so she took the initiative and left.
I am still stuck behind though. Like what I say in the previous post, I am in a place where the normal flow of time doesn't affect me. Even when given datelines for various assignments, I feel like they are irrelevant. I neglect to do them until the very last minute, because only by then, I feel like my time has started to move again. The rush, the panicking emotion, they make me feel like I am alive once again. After I am done with them, once again the hands of the clock grind to a halt at exactly 7 o'clock at night.
I feel so tired right now. I talked too much last night, and it exhausted me until today, even after a good 8-hour sleep. I had a phone call from a friend asking how am I doing, and I really appreciate that. It is good to know that somewhere in this reality, someone still care about me. But if I am this tired, what about that friend? He still needs to go to work, I think. Probably the next time I am being called at night, I will just pretend that I am not here, for the sake of both our health.
I used to think that I hate interactions, that I only need one person to interact with daily. Now that I am deprived of it, I find myself missing the conversation we had no matter how silly the topic is. I am not trying to find a replacement, however. I am afraid of being used as a placeholder for someone else because that hurts a lot, so why inflict the same kind of pain to someone else?
I will just wait, and keep waiting. Wait until the end of me, if I have to.
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