Of course, nothing will go smoothly like we predicted.

Of course, the once-caring hands will not caress you forever.

Of course, the once-evil ones will not torment you all the time.

Knowing how you mind works, and how foul you can be, I can only assume at this moment that you had been planning to do that a long time ago.

Must've been easier for you, right? Since you already is seeing someone else before it happened. Unlike me, you actually took the initiative and then lied that it had only been a day since you two established contact.

I call bullshit.

You might think that me going to that university will expose me to different girls and etc etc. You might think that I am chasing some skirts with a perverted grin on my face. You might think that I will go ahead and woo every single one I meet. You might think that I am trying to get the attention of a specific someone.

No, I didn't have someone else. I am far too stupid to do that. I am too lazy to maintain two relationships at a time. Heck, I am even too lazy to live on. If there is a way where I can just skip eating, shitting and breathing, I would gladly give a kidney out for it.

Don't mind this. Just the demon in my head whispering. I need to vent out or I risk breaking down again.

You might think that I was just being a typical melodrama kind of guy. Trust me, that feeling is true. Also, I am sure you would already forgotten about me by now. Sweet.

Go devour your love in public. See if I care. Our concepts of intimacy are very different, and forcing either one of us to adapt to our own is excruciatingly difficult. Let me get myself clear; I did not change. You were trying to make me change. It wasn't a mistake. I was about to change. I was ready to abandon what has been instilled inside me since I was a child just for a chance to get you closer. I was ready. I was ready to indulge in sinful joys and carnal desires because of you. All because of you. I still am, though.

But the voice in my head says no. It cries and it mourns. And I know, if I changed back then, I won't be like this, the way I am now.

So go ahead, devour your love in public. I don't care anymore. Or more precisely, I am trying not to care anymore. I am trying to dissociate some objects from the memories of you, since those objects are too meaningful to be disposed of. I want to keep them forever. Of course, the demon says to burn everything down, but I am a rather stubborn bitch.

I lose count of how many times I burned my stuffs lately. It has become some sort of a calming ritual. I like seeing the fires in the dark. They come in many shapes and sizes, and they follow the lead of the wind instead of opposing it. That is why they burn hotter and longer.

No more. That ritual of mine is starting to get comfortable. I am not supposed to do that. I am not supposed to do that.

Hate me if you want. Regret the fact that we shared a history together. I am trying to make it so the memories are a casual sort-of thing. That way, even if I am to recall them in the middle of the day, I won't have to melt into a puddle of guilt.

Late at night, however, it is a different thing.