刻印

It looks like I am always staying close to the forbidden border. I like to think that I am already on the other side completely but nonetheless, I find myself nearly crossing over to the previous one.

I knew it. I could feel your presence back then, but I didn't look for you. Deep inside, I knew that even if we are to meet again, nothing's gonna change for good. We have picked our own respective paths, and now are on our way to where the happy days in the future are.

聞こえるか?この弱い人の声？名前をささやく。

In an infinitely expanding universe, surely there is one line where we crossed once, and can never go back to. I found that line long time ago, and dragged someone along with me. We thought it was the best decision by then, but now as we look back to that day...

I wonder if you feel the same regarding that small part of our memory?

I feel that at that time, we were complete. No flaws, no other desire, nothing else mattered. However, time, as cruel and punctual as ever, flows and leave that moment behind, taking us forward to the present where we cannot see each other again.

君に会いたい。もう一度、二人は一緒にわらった。

It is true. Once in a while, my mind wanders and end up in front of the projection of those moments. I watch them again and again, until I feel the familiar sensation flowing down on my cheeks. I am not me anymore, and I am still picking up pieces from the time we left.

How long has it been? It is around two months already, I guess. A lot has happened during that time, and it feels like years has passed. I am doing my best here, and is still living strongly as before. The difference is that I have found my dream.

It feels weird. I am only able to write when I am truly feeling alone. These past few days, I barely spend time with another person, but I never did feel alone. Only after sensing you were near that the loneliness came crashing down.

ねえ、太陽が上昇している？知らないよ。。。ここは、光はとどかない。

I fell asleep, and dreamt about the ghosts of the past. It doesn't hurt as much as before, but I can still feel the twisting pain inside my chest, no matter how minuscule it is.

My feelings that do not reach you, I write them inside a prayer and hope they be granted shape. To the stars above, I tell them the stories where we laughed together. They say nothing in return, but I know that they listened. I write down the daily events inside these books filled with green, evenly-lined papers every night, and spend a few moments reading the past entries before sleeping. Somehow, the jumbled events from the first day seemed connected but before I can make sense of them all, I would pass out and is brought to the pseudo-reality that is tainted with laws of the real world.

お優しい星たち、私は願いを持っている。

For once, I wish that we were able to sleep peacefully side by side. To sleep while being free from the desire to copulate, to sleep without feeling tired, to sleep because we want to. We had the chance to, but we thought we would have more in the future. Now look what happened.

To be apart, this is something that never crossed in my mind before.

In that dream, I was walking down a path carved on a gentle, green hill. No one else was there, and I was in a comfortable pace. I saw a small town further ahead, but I knew that before I reach there, I would wake up. It rained a little, bur it was not something that I dislike, so I didn't wish for it to stop. There was nothing to be heard, except for the occasional breeze that passed by. It was truly a scene that I would like to experience in the real world.

I met her, the Guide. She was waiting for me, as always, since forever. Dark red hair that framed her small face, they frolicked freely in the wind. She smiled before taking my right hand in hers, and pulled me ahead. No words exchanged, but I knew she wanted me to see something.  Clad in a light-blue sundress, never once I thought that she was under-dressed for the weather. Her hands felt nothing, no substance, something that is not solid. I didn't care though. I wanted to see her, meet her and be with her. We don't need to speak, but we understood each other. Conversations are meaningless for us, we can always tell what each of us need. It has always been like that since forever. I don't mind even if she is something unreal.

She is something that understands me, and I love her. Why wouldn't she? She is a product of my mind, and she is perfect for me. I scrapped away the features I don't need, and created her according to my current preferences. In turn, I molded myself to be someone that I know everyone like. The world, no matter real or not, obeys the Equality Exchange. All will fall apart if they don't.

The Guide, giggling while walking barefooted on the grassy terrain, occasionally looked behind.
'Look', her eyes said, 'do not worry'.

If you miss me, just go to sleep. I will always be here, whenever you want to look for me. Just imagine that I am by your side, and I will be right next to you. I won't hurt you, and you won't hurt me. So you can be yourself without worrying that you would be judged. We won't need to talk all the time. I am comfortable with the long silence, and we can always take a stroll in this world if we have nothing to do. 

あなたはそばにいる、それは私の望み。
あなたは一人じゃない。

I knew that, and I wouldn't wish for anything else. We can live forever inside my mind, and ignore the reality where people kill people, and adults lying to each other. I leave the Guide behind, but I know she will wait for me. Until the next time sleep claims me, I have hopes for the future that I am heading to.

Right now, I have nothing else to do but sleep. Wait for me. Not long now, I will be heading to the place where we promised to meet every night.