The medicines have undesirable side-effects it seems. However, they are needed to keep myself in check.
If I continue to take them, will I be able to stop these symptoms from coming again? At times, I feel like I am not in command of my own body and mind, and they betray me regardless of pleas.
Dropping down from a comfortable position is really painful, and all the while I've been looking only up. So I've forgotten how it feels like to be at the bottom again.
In this place, there is no past nor future. Stagnant, time stands still and I am free. There's no ghostly-pale angel with grotesque wings looming around when I close my eyes. I feel secure, and all my sicknesses and idiosyncrasies are gone. No more hurt nor misunderstanding. I am no longer confined in the bright room and there's no one outside my cell looking at me with transparent eyes. No more sounds of chains binding the unseen creature that sought my life. No more images of gallows around my neck.
The wind is sweet and cool, carrying a familiar scent from my childhood. The sun no longer irritate my eyes and is gentle to me. Clouds sparsely populate the blue sky and nights never come. I can rest anywhere without fear and never miss anything when I sleep. All my pets are there, and are eternally playful. I do not need to eat or drink, and I am free from the urge to reproduce. My mind is clear, and I am in control of my own body.
Sadly, that place doesn't exist.
I wonder if I can ever escape from the shackles that bind me, plaguing me with guilt and corrodes my sanity each day. I sometimes wish I won't need to wake up anymore every morning to the emptiness right next to me. The deafening silence that re-opens scabbing wounds and making me bleed again. My wrists will be free of scars and there's no need to keep me away from happy people. I am tired of covering these scars and pretending that I am normal all the time.
I just skipped a day of medicine and all came crashing down. Dependent of these worldly concoctions to ease the volatile emotions, how different is that from the previous me? Are these pills my safety net now? When will I break and end up hurting any leftover companions I have now? Will I betray their trusts and pretend that I never promised them? My sleeves are soaked, and I wish I do not have to cover the imperfections that I have created on me. When I was not me last night, what was I thinking? Am I doing this to garner attentions? Why did I stretched my hand to pick up the phone just now? Why am I ignoring the call this morning? Was I being attentive to the people who talked to me today? Did they ask me if the dark circles around my eyes are normal? What did I say to answer them when they questioned my desire to change? Will I be able to go back to who I was before? To which point will I turn back? Will I continue to be self-destructive and return back to cutting my life short slowly? The cancerous sticks are tempting, but I was able to stop taking them due to having no means to get a steady supply. Now that I can easily obtain them, will I start killing myself again? Will I be able to see my friends again? The ones I have left and forgotten? What did they feel when I distanced myself from them? Of the juniors who looked up to me when they see me and my comrades as the experienced swordsman, admiring our bamboo blades and worn-out gi-hakama? Why did they even look up to me, then? Was I a good person that time? Was there anything I could have offered them when I said I was one of them who meet David-sensei when he returned here? There's nothing. Nothing at all. All I am is a bag of flesh, bones and blood melded together to create this pathetic excuse of a man.
Why did I fail? I was sure of my dream, and now ending up like this. Why am I still stuck deep in this ditch and unable to climb out. How much time has passed since I fell down here? My skills and memories have deteriorated so much that they have become the subject of ridicule by her. I did not wish to fail. I tried my best and only got that far. All the anxiety accumulated in me was enough to scare me so much it made my heart stopped beating. I downed caffeine like it was an elixir that kept me alive, just so I had time to study. The time sacrificed, the sleep I deprived myself from, the concerned look my doctor had when he checked my health, all is naught now. The money spent to put me through school, spent on gas to send me to school daily, spent on food to nourish me, where had they gone now?
Here, at this body that I feel isn't mine at times.
Life is nothing but pain, and I am reminded time by time that it is only temporary. Why did it feel like eternity has passed since my earliest memory? How many more years I have before I go? What of my parents? I barely remember their young faces, and the pictures they took often had my father not smiling at the camera. Was he smiling when I was born? Was I a planned child, or just a product of libido? Why did my mother bear with the vivisection pain that time? Why did she love me even before we meet? Was my grandparents thrilled that evening? Was the sunset as beautiful as it is now? What were the first words my parents say to me while I was crying after taking my first breath? Were they happy that I was born? Were they glad I didn't end up being choked to death by my own umbilical cord that time? What if I was not supposed to be born? What if I reached the egg by a split second before another? Were the others I passed carry a pleasant combination of genetic materials? If they were the ones who reached first, will I still be able to enter this world? Was my soul created before my body even materialize? What of the others' souls?
Were my parents happy that I learnt quickly? Were my teachers proud that I was able to read even before they teach me? Were my friends glad that I brought my books to school and read them out loud so they can understand the stories? Did they know that I did that without thinking? Where were they now? Can they still recognize me if we met? What did they feel when I was transferred away from them without my consent?
When I was too sick to go to school, why did my father dragged me from home to the door of my class? Why was it my teacher that noticed I was too pale, not my father? Why did they insist that it was due to the djinns and evil spirits when I said that my abdomen was hurting so much? Only after I vomited violently that they rushed me to the hospital. Why did my grandmother force-fed me garlic that has been enchanted with sacred texts? Why can't I recall the face of the doctor who immediately suggested the other doctors to transfer me to the main hospital? What did they tell my parents? Why was my blood 'unreadable' and the sickness 'undetected'?
I remember after being discharged from the hospital, I saw the moon. It was large and dreamy. I remember it being against the dark blue of the night and it being white-silver in color. Was it my imagination that I cried when i saw the moon? Why did I cry then?
Grandparents, why did you two divorce? How much pain did you inflict to mother when you two agreed to separate? What were the circumstances that led to that decision? Why did the two of you marry someone else after that? Why were the first three children being shuttled back and forth without worrying that they might be troubled? What happened to your dog? The obedient one that accompanied mother on every morning trip to school? Did he died peacefully? What was his name? Was he as loyal as what mother had said? Was he as beautiful as Coffee?
Father, what happened to one of your siblings? You won't answer me when I asked, and remain silent when I mentioned his name. Was he a kind person? What happened that night? Was it reported? Why was he photographed smiling while holding the 40-days old me? What happened to him? He looked like someone gentle and chose his words carefully. What did the two of you often talk about? Was what your uncle said true? Was he caught in a situation where he had no choice but to do what he was implied to have done? I still remember where his grave is, and it has been years since we last visited him. Was he forgotten? Erased from our family? How could you?
Were you proud of me? I recall that you used to smile a lot when I was a child. Now I cannot read what is truly on your mind. Why are you masking your own true feelings from us? Back then, you would agree to accompany me to play kites even when the sun wasn't good for me. Now, a short trip to school feels like decades without us talking to each other and you even complained that it is very tiring to send me there. Am I a failure? Am I not deserving the praise you throw to brother? Since when do you look at me with a glint of contempt in your eyes? I wonder if you are even here anymore. Even when we do talk, you keep it simple and straight-forward, without even looking at me directly.
Why is divorce so common in my family? Is it a curse in our bloodline? Why are we finding it so hard to be committed to someone and agree to live the rest of our lives with them? Why are the elders in my family all are looking as emotionless as possible? Am I doomed to be like them? As I age, my empathy diminish slowly until I feel nothing while saying hurtful words to others? Can I just stay the way I am now? At least, I can feel something knowing that I have hurt others. If that is how I will end up growing into, I wish I would stop and stay young forever. Be it physically or just inside people's hearts.
Will I be here next year? Or will I be somewhere else? I hope I can survive and be able to lessen the influence of the negative mind inside me. Am I strong enough? Why was it after every prayers, I still recall you vividly? How am I supposed to do this? Is this a sign from above? Or merely tricks played by my mind? Perhaps it is a divine punishment knowing that I made an innocent heart bleed profusely. What can I do to stop this? I can't keep swallowing pills forever when memories become too unbearable, and they keep on pushing through no matter what I do, leaving me broken and battered afterwards.
Where can I channel my negativity? I do not wish to be like this. I want someone else to just come and take it away. Deus Ex Machina. Just like Euripides. Must've been simpler if that is to happen in reality.
I am still trapped here, unable to get out. A prisoner of my own guilt.
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