Encore

Once again, I am repeating myself. I am drawing a circle, and tracing the line over and over.

My sense of balance has diminished. Maybe it has always been like this, just that I never paid attention to it. Now that I know, it bothers me everyday.

Just like how we noticed that we are breathing automatically, then we start to become conscious of it and end up doing it manually for a period of time.

Severing ties to the past. It's not something I want to do, but it is necessary. The past is stained, and I need a clean slate. The rust needs to be scrapped away, be it forcefully or by aid.

The deepest part of our subconsciousness, how does it look like? I pictured the inside of my mind as a swirl of aquamarine against a dim yellow background, with a piece of land just floating in the nothingness. There, I can create an impression of someone for me to converse with. Their behaviors are based on my impression of them. I speak, interact with this impression until I am satisfied, then summon another impression while dismissing the previous one.

I don't know how others' subconsciousness work, but I am very interested in it. I try to understand and predict how others react to certain things, and often my guesses are incorrect. Quoting my friend here, "Sometimes people lie even to themselves". At times I feel like I am able to pinpoint the exact moment when they would say something, but is disappointed when I am proven wrong.

I have been told that my behaviors, in a polite way of saying it, are weird at times. How does that work? People's impression of normal behaviors differ, and by saying that one person is weird, does that mean that in the point of view of others, the same person is weird as well? I don't know how weird I am, or to what extend, but it should be interesting to find out.

Is there someone else living in my subconsciousness? Perhaps there is, or more precisely, are. There are some impressions that refuse to go away. They are permanently there, subjugating me, suffocating me and watching my every move. Getting rid of them would be simple, but it will take a lot of will to do so. And I am too lazy to expand so much energy. So they can stay.

They are part of my subconsciousness, and shall remain that way until the end of the road. I will forever be the disciple, and these passengers are my teachers. It is how it is meant to be, and I cannot question it.

So I will sleep now, and wake up to a tomorrow that is a copy of yesterday.