Keeper of the Flame

The creepy dreams, what do they mean? They are something that come from my own mind, yet I don't remember seeing, for example, the mannequins, in real life. I dislike swimming, and diving is definitely out of question. I've never seen the sad, silent angel's face anywhere before. The area where I looked for the heads were not somewhere I am familiar of.

At least, the nightmares have stopped for now.

It has stopped raining, but I need to remember it.

Hosomi, you sing everyday but I take everything you say for granted. I am sorry. I will try to understand you better. Seems like you've been through a lot, and having to leave a life you enjoyed behind is certainly more painful than what I am experiencing now. I thought you were just someone who merely wanted attention but when I think of it, you want people to understand you instead. I wonder if you managed to do so while still keeping others at bay so they won't be too close to interfere yet not too far to make you feel alone.

I know I am strong enough for this. I will still need help every now and then, but I am taking little steps forward. It is easier to just antagonize the person, but it will make me hate her. Hate is a strong emotion, and I don't want it to poison my thoughts. I managed to convince myself not to hate some of the things that I greatly dislike to look or listen to, and I am no longer biased. All is equal and deserving a chance; blindly pushing things away make us miss some valuable experiences from which we can learn.

I want to try going to a high place. I set my eyes on various sky-scrappers already and I wish I can one day visit them all. The observatories from where we can be closer to the sky, the thrill that we are literally high up in the sky, I want to experience that.

I want to meet new people. I want to learn their languages and to be able to taste their trademark cuisines. I want to be able to see what they see daily, and to have a closer look at their cultures. I want to see sakura blooms, to see the leaves sway in the pleasant spring breeze. I want to see the annual summer fireworks from the beach and share that moment with friends that I have. I want to see the sunrise of the new year alone and make a new resolution that I can achieve someday. I want to see the few people who make me changed, to let them know that they have saved a life here.

I want to walk in the night without worrying about the curfew. I want to go hunt for midnight snacks at 2 in the morning and have a simple chat with nice people while enjoying the food and warm drink.

I want some people to remember me the way I am now. I don't know how much I can change, and we cannot just make a carbon copy of ourselves and store it away so we can refer back to it when we have gone too far. I want someone to point out that I have stray too far from my old self, and is not afraid to say so.

I want to go to a large shopping mall and just be there for hours. I want to see the lives of others and to see where they draw their happiness from. I want to see how they handle different situations accordingly and how they treat each person they have in their lives.

I want to go on a shopping date with someone and not needing to worry of the time and outside interference. To be alone in a place with many people, we can get inside each others' bubble and filter the world away to create our own. I do not want to succumb to the carnal desire early, however. To keep everything at a pace we are both comfortable at, at the same time are casual enough with each other to talk about any topics freely.

I want to be able to learn from my mistakes. This is the most important thing.

I used to hate kids because I felt that they are intrusive and annoying, but now that I have spent some time with my little nephews, I noticed that kids aren't so bad after all. Their purity and simple mind are something to admire. Innocence is lost when we grow up, and to gain that back is impossible.

I am tired. Too much talking wears me out faster than usual. I prefer to keep myself quiet to be able to stay outside longer and oftentimes I find myself zoning out when people are talking.



Take away my soul, don't drive away tonight and keep your keys on the table. Keep your feet off the floor and sleep your exhaustion away.