Repost

When in doubt, return back to the point where you felt certain.

So I complied.

The return to the past, going through all the things that once provided me joy, I feel like I died inside. There were so much things unraveled, and questions unanswered.

I feel sick.

I was told that I never care. Now going through a lot of things I wrote in the past, back when everything was supposed to be happy and peaceful...

I think that I am also a victim.

"You never care what kind of songs I listen to anyway."
"You never took time to say what I wanted you to say."
"You never want to do things together."

I wrote things. I pulled any kind of emotion I experienced that time and expressed them in words. I twisted them around to make it sound nice.

But it was not acknowledged.

Why the fuck would I wrote things about abandonment when I was supposed to be happy that time?
Why the fuck would I write about not being heard when I was supposed to had another pair of ears to listen to my problems?

Hints were given. "Yes, I checked." Sure. But nothing was being done to remedy it. Nothing was said indicating that it was understood. Nothing was shown that there was even a slightest realization that I was, in fact, alone.

I am angry. I am sad. But most of all, I feel so pathetic.The more I try to forget, the more I recall.

I am immature. I am still not growing up. My mind is still to shallow and I still cry over not wanting to grow up.

I feel like crying, but I am tired. This hurting feelings inside, if only I can convert them somehow to become physical pain, I would gladly do it. It is much more bearable.

"Even if the whole world is against you, I will still trust you."

That was a silent vow. I tried to adhere to it. Tried.

What if.

Yes, what if.

What if the person whom the vow was meant for, distrusts you?
What if the person whom the vow was meant for, discards you?
What if the person whom the vow was meant for, doesn't care about you?

And I retaliated.

There's no doubt that what I did is very despicable, but I would never stab another if they don't stab me first.

But no, I am painted as the villain. In this constructed modern fairy tale, I am the one that terrorizes the princess to get her attention. I am the one that draws blood first. I am the one that kills first.

I do not know what I am supposed to feel now. Can someone tell me? To what extend can you go to forget something? How far would you go to retrieve back your old self that you have thrown away when you let another person in your heart?

I am the villain. I am the evil one.

The old trick is pulled. "Sorry, but I just bought this number."

Nothing is left in this hand. Only burdens on my shoulder has been added. "Do not live for another person that is only in your life for a couple of years. What of your parents?"

If only these parents are more open-minded and don't prosecute your every act. Perhaps I won't be as broken as I am. I am not complaining. I am not wishing for the better. I am just ranting.

You take a shit, you wipe your ass yourself. No one's gonna offer you any assistance. Their own hands are full of theirs.