Mantra

"Asking my hand in marriage."

You kept repeating those words over and over again when the occasion was fitting. It is like a mantra to you to keep yourself calm, isn't it?

Yet you claim that it began only on that accursed night. What a beautiful, sweet lie. Saying that you were withholding, giving chance, but use the word 'slowly' to describe the process where it begins to bud.

I regret making the last conversation sane, since that gave you time to project the image of someone whose shit doesn't smell bad and doing it all just for the sake of making things better for the two of us. We should have made it more insane, as in insanity we are much more honest with our feelings.

Sweet liar who spit on a dagger to stab me again and again. The more I think of it, the more flaws I discover in your carefully woven reasons. Why try to make me hate you before? Why neglect me intentionally if you are actually 'caring' for my mental health? Why keep it a secret when you already dropped enough hints for me to figure it out? This is stupid, and I am getting more and more frustrated.

Your words spread like virus, infecting my thought processes and destabilize me more and more.

I wish we can meet again, but at the same time, I wish we will never meet again. I am afraid of the consequences and the already splintering sanity that we shared.

You said I never wanted to spend time with you, but you have time to go out with friends etc etc or whoever it is that you fancy. Why not invite me in all those things? Go on Skype with your friends then, draw for them as much as you like. Post it on your social networks and rub it all over my face. Say that "He never want to do things with me" but neglect even sharing the things you enjoy doing with me.

And you wonder why it seemed like I was substituting you with someone else. Heh.

Kill me over and over again, and when I complain, bring forth my past mistakes and flash them repeatedly before my eyes. "Remember, you fucked all things up first," says you. It is all justified, yeah I know. Ignore all apologies and say sorry for your outbursts, then repeat the same neglect to me again.

This cycle never ends, and you said I am keeping you in circles. I am just tracing the footsteps you left behind and looking for clues why you do that to me.

No, it wasn't your fault. Yes, it is your fault. Why are you so dense? You are smart enough to figure out which guys are interested to bed you and which aren't, but you can't figure out the first breaking point between us? No, you turned back the knife, resharpen it and push it through my flesh. I am the paranoid one, you said. Nope, you didn't do anything wrong; just left me hanging without an answer why.

Of course, you apologized, but not for the first fault. Just like how I inflicted the first wound that left a crack on your heart, you did it to me, too. Only that you didn't notice. Or you did notice, but figured that it wasn't anything important. A guy's gotta act like how a guy's gotta do, right? And guys are stupid, so I am stupid as well. Right?

The warmth that we used to share, now I recall them, they do have a sense of emptiness behind them all. As if you are trying to figure out something. You are never satisfied with yourself, and keep on beating yourself for the things that you can't avoid. Even after I assured you that appearance was not the factor why I want you. Nope, you didn't agree and proceed to starve yourself to achieve a figure to make others jealous. Not for me. That act of benevolence was not aimed to make me happy after all. You deflected all the words I said regarding me being already satisfied with how you were, and moments later screamed that you were never enough for me. Whose fault was that? And why you deflected my words so easily? Did any of it reach you after all?

My gifts to you. Sure, they weren't worth much, but I worked hard to get them. Lasted only a few weeks at best with you, then you store them away, collecting dusts. You said you wanted to keep them pristine and undamaged. Honey, if I want to give you something just for you to keep locked away in the box inside your drawer, I would give bricks. Tons of bricks. Those things I gave you were supposed to be worn, not left to rot. I worked my days out to get the necessary funds to buy gifts, but yeah. They're just cheap imitations of branded stuffs, right? Easily found anywhere, and can be thrown away without remorse.

For you I've been cutting outside contacts severely, and becoming who I am now. Just to avoid making you jealous anymore, I did my hardest to not speak to any other girls. I chose only those whom you trust, or those who obviously do not have any feelings for me. I am encased in a social armor that hides me from the public eyes. Yet you said you do not want me to do that anymore. Saying that you were jealous of those who meet me, speak with me and able to spend some time with me, but also said that I shouldn't hold myself back and go on interact with others happily. What do you want me to do actually? Speak with others, and I wounded you. Keep myself from the outside world, and you said you were converting me to a negative person. I am abandoning my hobbies that involve me getting out of my house, just for you.

Yeah, it is best to part now, before we ended up strangling each other with our hands. But know that we are one and the same. We understood each other once in a rare moment, and were in sync with each other's emotion for a short time. We can detect whether each one of us is hiding something, and I can say that I detected a whole lot of skeletons in your closet before the end.

I need to vent this out before my mind collapsed, again. Agitation seeps into me and makes me restless. I know I will definitely dream of those old times again, but I will do my hardest to take the reins this time.