I dreamt again.
It was short but full of memories of the past and the future. I was chasing something that is not supposed to be mine anymore. I kept on hinting that I need to get her back but there was no response.
After waking up, I felt relieved instead of hurting all over again. Not like before.
Had we continued to be together, I think we will be heading down the path of self-destruction. She is so attuned to the thoughts of others that she sometimes acts as an extension of others' mind. According to my own state of mind, I want to be alone with her, to ignore everything else and just to be with her forever.
That is not supposed to happen, isn't it? I want to isolate her and me in a place where outsiders cannot reach. To be obsessed and sink in each others' presence, to be completely engulfed in our own reality and to be one. Hence why I worked so hard to achieve outstanding results so I could get such a place in the future.
After that, where will we both end up?
I am afraid that I am slowly ticking away. I am afraid that when I wake up one day, my glossy blue bucket is empty, and I don't want to refill it anymore. I am afraid that when waking up, I am not myself and I cannot do anything but watch as my own body acts without consent. Since I want her and me to be one, I am afraid that once I feel like life is not worth living anymore, I will end up taking both our lives.
It is a very scary thought.
I can be apathetic at times, and when I am angry I often spat out venomous words that I will regret later. I won't even care about the feeling of others and when I finally realized what I have been doing, I often won't even apologize, feeling that the anger is justified.
And being apathetic means that I am capable of doing things without considering how they affect others in the long run. It has happened a lot of times. I know that it happens but I always assumed that I am not able to control when they occurs. I need a self-restraint and to be able to notice when the switch flipped.
Maybe it is connected to how I categorize myself as an introvert. I do things alone, and is comfortable with the silence. Being alone means that you don't need to express yourself and you can keep your thoughts to yourself, as there is no one to communicate to.
Why am I pouring my thoughts to this blog instead of talking it out to my friends?
I can't bring myself to do so. Not that I don't trust my friends, it's just that I can't find the suitable time, and even if I do, I won't know where to start.
I feel much better, though. I am glad that I managed to contact one person the night I was about to kill myself. I am really thankful for that. I was hesitating, and somehow managed to contact him. He proceeded to give a lengthy advice, one that I keep reading over and over.
Recalling the memories now don't hurt as much as it is before. I don't want to forget them, I need to learn from the past and forgetting them will make me commit the same mistakes again.
I am thankful for the memories. If you are reading this, I am glad that we didn't end up fighting in the end. I am truly glad that you had the patience to tend to me to the very end and your advises I will take to heart. I pray that you are happier now. It has been overdue for three years, and I hope for the best for the two of you.
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