裏切り

Once again, I dreamt. Again and again. I cannot escape.

I am tired of steering the dreams to where I want them to be, however when let alone, they conjured memories that bring forth sorrowful feelings.

Once again, the memories are painful to bear with.

There aren't any triggers. I tried to be casual to prevent the onset of such events. I was doing well for at least one week, but my mind starts to betray me and hits me when I am most vulnerable.

"I want to see you now, but still I wait for tomorrow."

It wasn't me. I was thinking about something else before I sleep. The dream itself was following a pleasant sequence of non-remembrance in the beginning. I was at ease, it made me forget the things in reality however brief.

In that dream, I received a text message. A familiar tone. My phone sang a familiar tone and I knew who that tone belong to. Like how I did in the past few years, I picked it up and immediately read the message as quickly as I can.

Shouldn't have done that.

From there, past memories poured forth, changing the dream landscape into the ones that we both find solace in. The familiar city, the rainy weather, the cool breeze that frolics with her hair, the smell of citrus on her clothes. I was powerless to stop it. This change, I knew it wouldn't do me any good but I couldn't do anything to stop it. Perhaps, deep within me, I wanted to see this through.

I am sorry. I really am sorry.

Memories, real and forged, replayed quickly one after another. I wasn't able to stop them. I couldn't. I was helpless, at the mercy of my own mind. I was trapped there. The reins were nowhere to be seen. The dream had changed to a form that is much closer to reality that it was supposed to be.

I can't understand the whims of my own mind. One time, it tells me that I am okay. Then it shoves dirt of the past to bring me down.

I am betrayed.