Delkmiroph

"As long as we're happy in my dreams, I will be happy in my mind."

It's nothing more than an illusion, the times when we were supposed to sleep in each other's embrace. It was vivid, but sadly ended when I opened my eyes.

I am falling again. I tried to grab on anything to break it but all I managed to grasp is a tattered rope.

"There. That was the rope you used. You left me lost and hanging there, remember?"

I know, but I try to forget. It's all in the past now. Why are you still inside here to torment me almost every night?

I try to understand my situation and attempted to revoke control of my consciousness. I've handed in the reins from the beginning and it led me to someplace familiar. The place where it all started. The white chamber, the smell of a farewell party, the familiar faces. It was still there, clearly still etched inside my mind. I recognized that scene.

Running away, trying to catch the fleeing you. I failed, thus I hid next door. I kept my composure and figuring out what my next move would be. And downstairs, someone was punching his knuckles raw.

All are part of memories now. They will live on forever inside me. I failed, and the feeling will never leave me. I am doomed to live the rest of my life with this splinter sticking into my ego. A wedge that threatens to split me into half if I suffer another blow.

Everything has ended, and so is my will to live on.

The silence is unbearable. Where are you? I wonder if you are dreaming right now. What kind of dream are you having now?

I sigh. The cigarette smell is comforting. The filter tastes sweet as ever, and the charred end is still glowing red. Whenever I move it, it draws a bright trail in front of my eyes. The cat is still nowhere to be seen, and I really miss it.

I do not care anymore. I need to do things that I refrained from for the past four years. It is for the sake of recovering myself that has been lost. I am following a map that is incomplete, all thanks to the lack of notes of remembrance. No sense of direction, and all I want to see is the sunset.

Let it be the final one. I want to see the sunset. Once again, bathed in this emotion that never ceases to swell in my chest.

All is done, and all is history. What I can do now is to get over it. Do not pull me forward, please. I am gathering up the pieces I have left and trying to construct something out of it. No matter how incoherent I speak, how unkempt I look and how nihilist my writing is, I am normal. You are normal. Everyone is normal.

I am insane, you are insane, everyone is insane. It is up to our perspective.

Black and white. Dear monochromatic view of life, I stand here hoping that I can still see the orange sun at the moment of the dusk. I want to see the brilliant blue moon during the dawn and to see the night during the noon.  After all, we are what we seem, and what we see is what we get. There is no limitation, only us restraining our capabilities and strengths.

I am not a burden to anyone. I will not be a burden anymore. I can move on. I can do this.

I am changing, I know I am. Where my change is heading, I do not know. I will stay still like a corpse and see what will sprout from my back. Will there be white feathery wings, or an insect's plastic-like wings. Either way, I will not object. If that is what fate hands to me, I can only shut up and accept it. Even if I am destined to be a parasite or a maggot or a starfish.

 Let's just aim to be the best in whatever form I will end up in.

I know this is just a trial, God. Your humble servant here is still learning how to get out of this ditch. I can only pray that I will be able to climb out before I die.