Waves bring forth foreign substances and deposit them along these shores.
I wonder, if I am to entrust myself to these waves, will I be able to go where I can't? These legs that won't carry me to the destination that I desire, will they listen to my commands now?
I want to to be able to shut down, even for a while. I am being distracted by the past, and ending up clinging onto the same spot for years. The ones I had before, they did not leave me. They see me as being unchanged, thus they move forward. They did not leave, they had simply accepted that and move on.
Their essence, their mannerisms, they have been ingrained inside me. They keep me alive and well, and at the same time bringing lots of regrets.
"If only."
I look at my hands and see some scars. Are they self-inflicted or by some other factors? I don't remember. Are my memories real? I have no way to confirm it.
What if all the happy times are just fabrication of my own mind? What if I was just convincing myself that back then, we all were laughing together sincerely? Maybe they were laughing over something that I can't understand.
All those time, I couldn't make anyone else happy but myself. I don't know how many I have disappointed back then. Maybe they expected more of me, and I just simply brushed them away and go on with my own pace.
I need something else. Something tragic. Something that can shake my mind to its very core. Something that can crumble the very foundation where I have built my concepts. That way, I can feel that I am alive.
The danger, the adrenaline, the rush. I need those things. But I need to be careful not to drag others as well.
I am feeling sorry to myself and others that I have met. I don't know how to atone for my mistakes, and I am still carrying the burdens I have from years ago. How can I repay them in this short lifespan bestowed upon me?
Then again, I know that even if I live long, I will just keep on repeating my mistakes, ending up as the villain once again.
Being nostalgic at this moment, I carved what I feel into these parchments and hope that they will be read in the future by someone else. I am not alone, I know. This kind of pain, other people than me had bear it and survived.
However, at this moment, I feel truly alone.
Even being surrounded by other people, even when being with my loved ones, I feel alone. Our thoughts are not in sync, and the emotions are of different wavelengths. We speak of the same topic but each with their own version of truth.
I am selfish. Even though I am like this, I am still a man. I cannot deny what nature has decided on me. I feel sick.
"Don't take life too seriously."
"Besides, you are still young."
"Hence, the retreat from not doing it there."
"It's a symbolic act of killing our demon."
"I know what you're going through now, so if you need to talk, I am always free."
"Don't think yourself as being a burden."
"I'm just a call away."
I am sorry, friend. I know you have wounds you want to hide from others but still...
I fear that by asking you for help and support, I am ripping away the crusting scabs from you. I asked you to lower your mask and look after me. The two of us, maybe if we aren't what we are now, I think we will be happy with each other.
Too bad, we have to be like this.
Those times spent with you, the night cruises, the jokes we shared and the things we said in unison, the rebellion, I still remember them. If only we were born differently, I am sure that we won't have to look for others.
We complete each other, and I know it. Do you notice it? Do you?
We are separated by fate, and fate itself is very cruel. Do you know that?
For now, I will do my best. Not only for myself, but for you as well. Others that still need me, I will try to not disappoint them.
So that someday, I can stand proudly and face you once again. Then, I will be able to say that I have changed for the better and doesn't need your hand to support me anymore.
Perhaps, that time, we will be able to walk side by side as something more than friends.
I know that, and I think you know that as well.
For that time to come one day, I will keep on living.
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